KEITH OLBERMANN JOINS FOX NEWS

NEW YORK -  After leaving MSNBC tonight, Keith Olbermann signed with Fox News.

Keith Olbermann, who had  been suspended indefinitely without pay from MSNBC because he donated to three Democratic candidates this election cycle and then was rehired – quit MSNBC tonight.  He’s done at MSNBC,

“We didn’t like Keith made political contributions, but then he apologized and we hired him back and then we decided we should have fired him instead of suspending him, but tonight he quit, so we’re all happy,” MSNBC president Phil Griffin said in a statement.

As soon as Roger Ailes, the head honcho of Fox News heard that Olbermann quite, he offered Keith a spot in the nightly lineup.  Olbermann, who said the money Ailes offered was three times what MSNBC was paying him, quickly accepted the deal.

In a statement Friday, Olbermann said, “I don’t like being a popular TV host on a channel that doesn’t love me.  I went over to Fox and Roger Ailes said that he loved me and I then I went back to MSNBC and told them that if they wanted to keep me they had to tell me they loved me more, but they didn’t so I quit and went over to Roger Ailes who gave me a big bear hug.  He loves me.”

He then went on to say,  “I am thrilled to be joining the team at Fox News.   Mr. Ailes has assured me that I continue doing my program in the same format, and with the same viewpoint, that I had at MSNBC.  I will continue doing the Worst Person in The World.  And my first Worst Person on Fox News will be MSNBC president, Phil Griffin.”

Olbermann will be taking Greta Van Susteren in the 10 pm. slot.

Rachael Maddow went on the air tonight to urge Olbermann to return to MSNBC, but Olbermann said that he’d rather go to hunting with Dick Cheney then return to MSNBC.”

Fox News stars – Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck – were livid when the learned of Olbermann’s hiring.  “They have to run everything by me on this network.  Everything!”  O’Reilly said.   Ailes said he likes the conflict between his hosts, “it keeps them on their toes.”

So, there you have it… Keith Olbermann is joining Fox News, starting Monday, January 24th, 2011.

Don’t miss it!!

CHARLES MANSON WRITES A CHILDREN’S BOOK

SEATTLE , WA – Amazon has come under fire again for its decision to carry yet another controversial book.

In recent news, the internet retail powerhouse was scrutinized for its decision to carry, The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct, by Philip R. Greaves II. Now they are pushing the limits even farther with a new children’s book that has been penned by none other than one of the 20th century’s most notorious criminals, Charles Manson. Manson, now 76, has been incarcerated for the past 41 years for convincing his followers to commit murder in the famous Hinman, Tate, and LaBianca killings of the late 1960s.

The book titled, The Trials of Timmy Travis, is about a young 11 year old boy who is misunderstood by his peers and how he feels ostracized from the neighborhood kids. The story explores how Timmy copes with his loneliness and his many failed attempts to fit in. It chronicles Timmy’s life as he becomes the guru of a renegade group that develops its own ranch style community on the outskirts of his home town. Ultimately, the community flourishes and prospers bringing new hope into a downtrodden world.

Parents groups around the nation are outraged over the news and are calling for the immediate ban on the sale of the book, not only on Amazon but everywhere.

“How does a book like this even become published?” asked Susan Powell, founder of Stability, Togetherness and Family Unity (STFU), “Who in their right mind could have thought that a book like this, by such an awful man, was a good idea?”

In December of last year, Manson was found to have been making phone calls and sending text messages from prison. It has now been revealed that the communications were with Children’s Freedom Press (CFP), the British Columbia based independent publishing company that produced the controversial book. Evidently, Manson wrote the entire book through thousands of text messages sent to the publisher.

“We feel that this story will help children throughout the world to better understand how to deal with feelings of ostracization and ‘outsiderness’. We truly feel that the notoriety of the author will only aid in getting the message out faster,” explained CFP in a statement to the press, “We’re hoping that the book can help to create a dialogue between children and parents about the issues involving being different, fitting in and the bad feelings that can result from being shunned by peers.”

By now I’m sure that this book has already been pulled from the retailer’s website due to the controversy. But I cannot image that you won’t find it on the days to come throughout the listings of eBay and other internet auction sites.

3 METHODS FOR RESURRECTING THE DEAD

Follow these three easy methods to bring your loved ones back from the afterlife.

For almost everyone on earth, death can be a painful and difficult experience with which to cope. Now that we live in a world with DNA sequencing, cloning and the web, one might begin to wonder how we can use these tools to get our loved ones and influential leaders back.

Well, look no further; here are three methods to help guide you on your way to resurrect the dead.

Scientific Method – DNA and Cloning

Many scientists have been exploring the possibilities of using DNA sequencing and cloning to revive the long since departed. The main thing that one would need in order to accomplish this method is a biometric identifier. Hair is an excellent source and can be harvested from even the oldest of corpses.

After the DNA has been extracted you will need to find a lab willing to perform the cloning process. This may prove challenging as many governments have a strong opposition to human cloning. My recommendation would be to head over to China. They will pretty much do anything for the right price.

The only potential draw back to this method is that it is still unclear exactly how much the newly resurrected will think and act like its DNA donor. Many speculate that although the lab generated twin will be biologically identical, it may not have any of the memories or mental capabilities as its predecessor.

Internet Method – Artificial Intelligence

In order to accomplish this method you will need to script an algorithm specifically geared towards scouring the web for data about the deceased. It should use much of the same fundamental scripting associated with a web crawler, also known as spiders, web bots, ants, miners and dossier deerstalkers.

This script will need to gather all the available data on the deceased allowing you to create an online version of the departed. These little scavengers will visit countless web sites gathering the data and returning it to a central repository of your choosing.

Depending on how much information is available online will dramatically affect your results. However, this method will only bring back the mind of the person. But ultimately we view each other based on our thoughts and less on our appearances, right?

Religious Method -Spiritual

Many religions have varying takes on the process of resurrection. Almost all religions feel that God can raise people from the dead and that a select few earthly beings can actually perform the act.

WWN was actually able to track down one of these powerful prophets. Listen to what Melissa Fischer, professional resurrector, has to say about one of her initial experiences with resurrecting the dead.

RATS FEED ON NYC SUBWAY RIDERS

NEW YORK -  There’s a massive Rat Attack in NYC.  Subway riders are being attacked on every train!

Rats are multiplying faster than the available food sources in New York City.  There are just too many rats and too little garbage, restaurant leftovers and apartment foodstuffs to satisfy the needs of the millions of rats living in the five boroughs.

Rats typically don’t bother humans – they are focused on food.  But in the last few weeks, rats have been attacking New Yorkers at an alarming rate.

There have 3,100 new rat infestations reported in the Bronx, alone, since the beginning of this year.  And there are numerous reports of New Yorkers being bitten – chewed on by the rats.  Three people in Staten Island had their ears chewed off.

“Rats are clearly on the attack now.  It’s like they want to take over the city,” said Ronald Weckel, an assistant commissioner in the city’s department of health.  “I’m not sure there’s anything we can do to stop them.”

Mayor Bloomberg has denied the reports that rats are attacking humans in New York City.  “There is nothing out of the ordinary about the rats in New York.  We have lived with rats since the city was founded and they pose no immediate risk.”

“There’s a massive city cover-up going on,” said Professor Robert Dachille, of NYU.  He’s an expert in urban rodent behavior and a part-time exterminator.  “The attacks are only going to get worse.  I advise  all NYC residents to carry Rat Repellent on them at all times. You never know when one will jump up and try to eat your face.”

The species of rat living in New York City is the Rattus norvegicus, also known as the Norway rat or the brown rat.   Some speculate that the reason they are reproducing so rapidly is because of wasteful food habits of New Yorkers and because of budget cutbacks – 2,000 rat exterminators were laid off earlier this year.

And now the biggest problem is that rats are attacking passengers on New York subways.  Five people died last week  (though not reported by the City government) after being mauled by a pack of rats on the L Train.

Complaints are flooding into City Hall about the Rat Attacks, but still there has been no official city acknowledgment of this outbreak.

But now a video went viral yesterday.  It shows a rat attacking a passenger, but the lucky man was Rat Attack survivor.  Apparently, the rats know that they are being filmed and avoid cameras at all cost.

Experts explain S’pore’s declining birth rate

Experts believe the high cost of living is the main deterrent to couples having children. (Photo: AFP Images).

They are only getting married in June, but already the couple have decided against having any children.

Speaking to The Straits Times (ST), civil servant Jean Heng, 30, said she chooses her independence and freedom above having a baby.

She said, “Life in Singapore is very stressful. Work takes up a huge amount of time and I have no energy to take care of kids. If I want to have kids, I would want to devote enough resources in terms of time and money.”

Ms Heng and her teacher-fiance are just one of the many couples in Singapore who have decided to strike babies off their marriage checklist, citing common reasons such as financial and time constraints.

Experts ST spoke to are not surprised by the findings of the Census of Population 2010, which saw more childless married women and more one-child families. They cited the high cost of living as a main reason for couples shying away from raising children.

Associate Professor Tan Khye Chong, a statistics lecturer from Nanyang Technological University, said both husband and wife have to work to pay off the property loan. “It’s more difficult to start a family with both working and some may put off having a family until they are older.”

Professor Gavin Jones, a demographer at the Sociology department at the National University of Singapore, said the “perceived high financial and opportunity cost” deters couples.

“Once they have children, it closes off options seen as desirable; for example, free time, holidays and a career,” he said, adding that parents are also under pressure to produce “quality children” to do well in school and get ahead in life.

“There is pressure to devote a lot of effort to parenting, so it means giving them things like tuition. It’s a highly labour-intensive process to raise kids here,” he said.

Experts expect the low numbers to translate into far-reaching implications for the country, reported ST.

Singapore Management University’s Assistant Professor of Asian Studies Hoon Chang Yau said the increase in immigrants needed to make up the Republic’s workforce will “lead to a more complex society with more people from around the world settling here”.

“While it can be quite exciting, there will also be anxiety over the change in the Singapore identity,” he added. Policies would also need to be tweaked to cope with an already ageing population, which means people would have to work even longer.

The recent Census of Population 2010 found a six percentage point increase in the proportion of childless married women aged 30 to 39 and a near-3 percentage point increase in women in their late 40s.

Higher-educated women are having fewer children, compared to their less-educated counterparts, the Census found.

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WALT DISNEY’S FROZEN HEAD STOLEN

GLENDALE, CA – Seven thieves broke into the Glendale Cryogenics Labratory and stole Walt Disney’s frozen head!

Police arrived at the California based cryogenics lab after receiving a phone call from the lab’s owner, Robert Sterling.

Security camera footage confirms that seven thieves broke down the front door of the building with the intent to steal. However, the camera was immediately disabled when one of the thieves shot it with a handgun.

Police found the security guard blindfolded and tied to his chair. No one else was on hand to witness the robbery, they said.

Representatives from Glendale Cryogenics say that the “Walt Disney Vault” is a popular tourist attraction for Disney fans who want to see their lifelong hero’s frozen head.

“Every day we get dozens of visitors wanting to see Disney’s head,” said Sterling, “and we never had any problems robberies. I don’t know how this happened. It is an unspeakable tragedy.”

Sterling said that when Walt Disney’s head was not on display, it was kept inside a steel-reinforced concrete vault in the back of the lab. The vault was sealed with a time lock that prevents the doors from opening until a certain number of hours have passed.

“These robbers were clearly professionals” said police safe-cracking expert Tony Nash. “They left no evidence of tampering or lock-picking, not even a fingerprint.”

Originally, police were unsure about the thieves’ motives in stealing Walt Disney’s head. But a ransom note found at the crime scene has cleared up some of the mystery.

ransom note

“We are holding Disney’s head as collateral,” said the note, “and we will not rest until the Disney Channel terminates the smut and filth that permeates its airwaves. We will do whatever it takes to restore the Disney name to the symbol of morality and goodness it once was, even if that means bringing our leader back to life.”

Walt Disney had his head cryogenically frozen after his death of lung cancer in 1965, hoping that future generations would be able to discover a cure for his illness and revive him from cryonic suspension.

While the cure for cancer has yet to be found, authorities say that the prospect of “reanimating” Walt Disney is scientifically feasible.

“It’s likely that the thieves are trying to bring Walt Disney back to life as we speak,” said Sterling. “I don’t know what they’re planning to do with him, but I know it can’t be good.”

If you have any information on this robbery, please leave a comment below and we will notify the police.

DUDE DATING: COLLEGE VS. REAL-WORLD DATING

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: College vs. Real-World Dating

Q. Train, I just graduated college at the end of December (Yea, 4 and a half years, I party, so what?). I’m entering the “real world”, single and ready to mingle. What kind of changes can I expect in my dating life now that I’m not in college? – Carlton Banks, Beverly Hills, CA

Listen up, Carlton, the piggest – oops, I mean biggest – difference is that girls are fatter- oh my lord, I meant ‘choosier’…CHOOSIER, I don’t know where that came from. Anyway, yeah, I meant choosier. This isn’t an isolated campus anymore with only maybe a hundred viable options. Most post-collegiate are moving into large cities, where the possibilities are endless. You’re not competing against Johnny-Frat-Guy on a level playing field anymore – you’re up against guys with better jobs, better clothes, better apartments, not to mention you’re dealing with a larger age range. Girls have options now, and they got the ‘4-year-slut’ out of their system (mostly), which means you’ll have to step up your game.

The Pick-Up

While at college, buying a girl a shot of tequila was like giving her a dozen roses and a promise ring – and only the most gentlemanly of gentlemen would buy a girl Patron. Now it just means, ‘I’m a complete creep and I’m broke, so let’s make this quick, whore,’ – and, weirdly, girls don’t like this. These days, you’re going to have to talk your way in.

Girls want to know three things after college: where you live, what you do, and does your toilet have that pink ring around the bowl. If the story is ‘I’m 23, live with my parents, and I spend my days playing ping pong at the local Y until I figure things out,’ then forget it. Post-collegiate existential crises are only cute to girls when it’s in a movie. I’m not saying to lie, I’m saying just sell the sizzle a little bit; dress up the story. When she asks, ‘What do you do?’ tell her you weren’t into the whole ‘finance game’ so you took a quick jaunt to the West Indies to ‘clear your head’ and you just got back a few weeks ago, so you’re staying with your parents for the time being so you can help around the house since they are ‘blind and wheelchair-bound’; also, to kill time during the day, you’ve started a program at the local Y to teach quadriplegics how to ‘play table tennis with their mouths’ and how you think that if they can return a serve, then they can ‘paddle back any of the hardships that life has cruelly delivered them.’ All of a sudden, this girl isn’t getting picked up by a 23-year-old loser with no prospects, but a character from a romantic comedy that happens to be looking damn good right now in that American Eagle polo. After story time is over tell her – ‘Enough about me, let’s just have fun tonight.’ NOW buy her the shot of tequila.

First Dates

‘Come to my place and watch a movie’ isn’t a viable option anymore as a first date. After four years in college, girls start to know that ‘Come over and watch a movie’ means ‘Come over and I’m going to spend the whole night trying to get you to rest your head in my lap…face down.’ She doesn’t want to call home to her mom the next day and tell her the date involved ‘Ghostbusters 2 and a rash from your leather couch.’ So lets start somewhere mature: a bar for drinks. I’ve gone over the steps in the Minor Leagues of Dating. Remember some patience. Movies and giving her the old ‘Vigo the Carpathian’ will come soon enough, but this girl has to see investment of time, energy, and money.

Sex

If you live with your parents, give it time, your genitals will figure something out. Just don’t get a hotel room and tell her to hurry things up because the hourly rate goes up after 11. If you have your own place then concentrate on being a better lover – you can’t just break out the oilrig, go to town, and then tell her a Pledge will drive her home. Keep a bottle of wine in the house, loosen up a little, and have some fun with her. Sex doesn’t need to be the steamy, aggressive garbage you watch on the interweb. Have a laugh with her and tell her that her breasts look magnificent; and the next morning, give her a ride home or walk her to the cab – these are easy things that can make up for your complete lack of sexual prowess. And always remember that if you couldn’t get her off the night before, bring her to brunch the next morning – it’s a bizarre phenomenon, but after college, frittatas and mimosas give girls the climax you never will.

Here’s the deal: hooking up with a girl after college is no longer the trophy you brag about to your friends. Nobody cares anymore that you got some last night, and your life isn’t measured in notches on the belt. Everyone out in the ‘real world’ cares far more about their jobs and the garbage truck schedule, so whether you’re just looking for some strange on a Saturday night or a long term relationship, put in a little more effort and it will pay dividends. Give her a story, a decent first date, and some lifeless, teary sex – as long as you pay for brunch.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

MOUNT ETNA ERUPTS

SICILY  – Mount Etna erupted last night, killing the leader of the biggest Mafia family in Italy.

Italy’s Mount Etna has come back to life with a massive eruption that sent lava down its slopes  nto neighboring towns and sent a large plume of ash into the sky, closing airports in five countries.

The volcanology institute in Catania, eastern Sicily, said Thursday that a five-hour eruption overnight sent a gigantic stream of lava down the eastern slope of the mountain.

Two hundred people died, including the leader of the largest Sicilian Mafia family, Bernardo Provenzano.

Provenzano was drinking limoncello with his “family” in a cafe in Catania.   His bodyguards didn’t act fast enough to save the mafia don.  When they finally saw the lava seeping into the cafe, they apparently starting shooting and swinging baseball bats at the lava, trying to scare away the lava, but that didn’t work.

The mafia dons and the baseball bats were all incinerated by the lava.

Some in Italy are speculating that the Italian government dropped bio-volcanic chemicals into the volcano to force an eruption. “They haven’t been able to stop the Mafia in sixty years, so they resorted to drastic measures to rid the country of its most notorious gangster.

Silvio Berlusconi is already taking credit for the “volcanic hit” on the Mafia.  “This is a great day for Italy.”

The fact that one hundred and fifty innocent civilians were also killed and that there is now major volcanic plume over Europe and the Middle East, doesn’t seem to bother Berlusconi.

And the fact that there are reported rumors that Berlusconi is in bed with another Mafia family in Naples, hasn’t stopped the President from making bold claims.  “We will completely wipe out the Sicilian Mafia once and for all,” said Berlucsoni.  “Even if we have to erupt a volcano every day!”

Etna is Europe’s most active volcano. Its last major eruption was in 1992.

MEGAN FOX IS A MAN!

LOS ANGELES, CA – The internet has been abuzz since this Sunday’s Golden Globes ceremony, where Megan Fox jokingly remarked that she looked like a man.

When interviewed on the red carpet, she said “I look like Alan Alda in drag.  I’m a tranny.  I’m a man.”

At the time, reporters passed it off as a jovial attempt to cover for her nerves.

However, today she has cleared the air and officially reported: she’s really a man.

READ THE LATEST ON MEGAN FOX – AND HIS RECENT MARRIAGE

Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee.  From an early age, Mitchell showed an interest in both performing and women’s clothing.  When having a preacher lay hands on him did not ‘cure’ him of these interests, his parents simply put him on the pageant circuit.

By the age of 13, Mitchell had already started a career as a female child performer called ‘Megan Fox’.  Making her debut on an Olsen Twins straight-to-video release, the twins have kept his secret all this time.

As a sweet 16 present, Fox’s parents offered him sexual reassignment surgery, which, given their child’s career, they’d hoped to write off as a business expense.  Unfortunately laws prohibit such surgery to be done to minors.

Since then Megan has been working non-stop, and been included on many Hottest Women lists in publications around the world.

Megan, as she goes by now exclusively, also noted this Sunday how much she wants Salma Hayek’s figure.  She has even scheduled surgery later this month to get it.  After the two met in New York this week, Hayek offered to have a cast made of her bust so doctors can match them exactly on Megan Fox’s chest.

The internet is already speculating whether this news will be worked into the plot of the upcoming Transformers sequel.

FACEBOOK WILL END ON MARCH 15th!

PALO ALTO, CA –Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook will be shut down in March. Managing the site has become too stressful.

“Facebook has gotten out of control,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference outside his Palo Alto office, “and the stress of managing this company has ruined my life. I need to put an end to all the madness.”

Zuckerberg went on to explain that starting March 15th, users will no longer be able to access their Facebook accounts.

“After March 15th the whole website shuts down,” said Avrat Humarthi, Vice President of Technical Affairs at Facebook. “So if you ever want to see your pictures again, I recommend you take them off the internet. You won’t be able to get them back once Facebook goes out of business.”

Zuckerberg said that the decision to shut down Facebook was difficult, but that he does not think people will be upset.

“I personally don’t think it’s a big deal,” he said in a private phone interview. “And to be honest, I think it’s for the better. Without Facebook, people will have to go outside and make real friends. That’s always a good thing.”

Some Facebook users were furious upon hearing the shocking news.

“What am I going to do without Facebook?” said Denise Bradshaw, a high school student from Indiana. “My life revolves around it. I’m on Facebook at least 10 hours a day. Now what am I going to do with all that free time?”

However, parents across the country have been experiencing a long anticipated sense of relief.

“I’m glad the Facebook nightmare is over,” said Jon Guttari, a single parent from Detroit. “Now my teenager’s face won’t be glued to a computer screen all day. Maybe I can even have a conversation with her.”

Those in the financial circuit are criticizing Zuckerberg for walking away from a multibillion dollar franchise. Facebook is currently ranked as one of the wealthiest businesses in the world, with economists estimating its value at around 7.9 billion.

But Zuckerberg remains unruffled by these accusations. He says he will stand by his decision to give Facebook the axe.

“I don’t care about the money,” said Zuckerberg. “I just want my old life back.”

The Facebook Corporation suggests that users remove all of their personal information from the website before March 15th. After that date, all photos, notes, links, and videos will be permanently erased.

MICHAEL JACKSON’S FUNERAL

LOS ANGELES, CA – Plans for Michael Jackson’s funeral have been revealed by his estate.

Michael Jackson died yesterday afternoon of a heart attack.  People all over the world mourn the loss of the King of Pop.  In cities across the globe people gathered in squares and parks with candles in hand to mournfully sing his classics like “Beat It” and “Don’t Stop till You Get Enough.”  In Utah the Salt Lake City Boys Choir did an a cappella version of “Billie Jean” that was broadcast on loudspeakers into the city and on Mormon Television Networks.

Representatives of the Jackson estate have released a statement detailing some of the plans for Mr. Jackson’s funeral.  In his will Jackson wishes for his body to be cremated and sprinkled over the surface of the moon.  However since then his finances have taken a downturn and new plans have had to be created.

A somber and respectful service will be held at an upscale funeral home in Los Angeles.  The funeral will be closed casket, with a large picture of Michael from 1982.    Seated front row will be Jackson’s ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley, the  skeleton of the Elephant Man, Bubbles 4 (the most recent pet monkey to carry the name), and Macaulay Culkin.  The remaining members of the Four Tops, The Temptations, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and the Supremes will all perform at the ceremony to pay their respects.  Acting as pallbearers will be the Harlem Globetrotters, who made Michael an honorary member in 1978.

President Barack Obama has expressed his sadness at the news of Jackson’s death.  In respect he held his press conference on the matter wearing one white glove.  Secret Service reports indicate he spent last night drinking scotch and moon-walking through the White House.

Sources within the intelligence community believe that Kim Jong Il may be planning a tribute concert in Pyongyang, wearing a red leather version of his standard jumpsuit.  Photographs show Kim Jong Il desperately trying to learn the dance to Thriller.

The closed casket, and other details, have raised some questions.  Yesterday afternoon also saw a flurry of strange meteorological activity over the New Mexico desert.  When asked, one source working out of Area 51 who wishes to remain anonymous said “Michael?  He not dead.  He’s just going home.”

Despite his many controversies and eccentricities the world mourns the loss of this unforgettable musical icon.

JUSTIN BIEBER TRANSGENDER ON CSI

HOLLYWOOD – Justin Bieber to play a transgender runaway who is at the wrong place at the wrong time.

CBS announced today that Justin Bieber will be returning as a guest start on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Bieber made his acting debut on the show last fall portraying, Jason McCann, a troubled teen whose brother was killed by the CSI forensic team.

However, this time The Biebs has decided to expand his range by portraying a transgender runaway that gets caught in the middle of a mob organized murder. Bieber’s character, Josefina, inadvertently witnesses a murder while working his, or is it her, corner and the CSI team needs him/her as a key witness.

As luck always seems to have it, WWN ace photographer Boy Mack happened upon the set that day and was able to catch this photo of The Biebs in hair and makeup.

Will Josefina have to go into a witness relocation program after the trail? Will the CSI team help him her find her way off the mean streets? Will Justin decide that he likes dressing in women’s clothes and continue to do so in real life? Find on the new episode titled “Targets of Obsession” which airs Thursday, February 19th at 9pm on CBS

The Biebs is currently nominated for two Grammy awards, including Best New Artist, which will also air on CBS, Feb. 13. But something tells me that there is an Emmy in this young superstar’s future.

6,000 YEAR OLD WINE

WASHINGTON– Archeologists have unearthed the oldest wine-making facility in Armenia.  The dry red vintage is about 6,000 years old.
Archeologist uncovered the oldest stash of wine in the world.  The excavation took several months and the crew celebrated the find by – drinking all the wine.

Archeologists around the world were livid to learn that the wine had all been drunk.  “The American archeologists can’t control themselves,” said John Comito, chief archeologist for the American team.

“Look we found it, we identified it, recorded all the necessary facts and then… we celebrated.  What’s wrong with that?!” said Comito

This is the world’s oldest known installation to make wine,” Gregory Hayes of the University of California Los Angeles, who helped lead the study, said in a telephone interview.

Carbon dating showed a desiccated grape-vine found near a wine-press was grown around 4000 BC, his team reported.

This makes it 1,000 years older than any other wine-making facility discovered, the team from Armenia, the United States and Ireland reported.

The team found the world’s oldest leather shoe, about 5,500 years old, at the same cave complex last year.  They also found something that looked like a 4,000 year-old Slinky.   It was made by the Armenians, who are now suing the Slinky company for all the profits from the “stolen” idea.   There are rumors that a 4,550 year-old Etch-A-Sketch may also be in the excavation site.

Irish officials have lodged a formal complaint with the Obama Administration about the wine.  “Our archeologists tried to get a few sips and the Americans just hogged it all.  They were so rude and obnoxious,” said Finlan O’Toole of the Irish Archeology Association.

“Let the Irish get drunk on beer.    We’re more sophisticated in America.  Wine is our thing,” said Comito.

“The rich red wines produced were merlots and cabernet sauvignons.  We drank them all and didn’t get a headache the next day.  Guess they knew what they were doing back then.” said Comito.

10 WAYS TO PROTECT YOUR HOME FROM ZOMBIES

Worried about Zombies coming into your house?  Here are 10 simple ways to stay safe!

With smash hit zombie shows such as AMC’s The Walking Dead and soon to be cult films like Dead Snow, many are beginning to wonder “What do I need to do to protect my family and home from zombies?” Well look no further, here are 10 simple ways to help you prepare for a zombie attack and create a zombie proof home.

1. Build your home in a remote area: on a mountain, in the woods, in the desert or on the moon like MJ did. Zombies concentrate in areas with large human populations since human flesh is their source of sentience, so living in a remote area with few inhabitants with increase your chances of survival.
2. Tall Fences:  Building a tall smooth surfaced fence will prevent zombies from entering your property. Muscle tissue deteriorates in the transformation process rendering zombies incapable of scaling walls.
3. Pit traps: Dig several large holes in the ground and cover them with big tree branches and leaves. If a zombie finds a way to breach your perimeter, the pit trap will provide the same defense as the tall fence.
4. Build all doors out of solid wood or metal: Zombies do not have a great deal of strength due to the muscle deterioration as mentioned above. The strength of a zombie will be no match against a well enforced door. Windows should also be reinforced in the event of a zombie invasion.
5. Well water vs. public water: Have a well on your property, in the event of a zombie outbreak you cannot rely on public water supply. The workers at your local water treatment facility might be zombies and everyone knows that zombies have absolutely no work ethic.
6. Generators and fuel: Knowing the work ethics of zombies, or lack there of, it is best to have a generator at your residence in order to maintain your preferred quality of life. A hearty supply of fuel will be needed as well to insure continued use of your generator.
7. Sound diversions: Zombies have an acute sense of hearing. If your property is large enough, install speakers at the perimeter of your property. If a perimeter breech occurs play loud sounds to lure the zombies away from your home and loved ones. Your generator will come in handy here.
8. Weapons: If you find that you have no other choice but to fight, a sharp long machete or a scythe are good weapons of choice as you will be able to maintain a distance whilst decapitating your undead assailants.
9. Own a mobile home: The best way to evade a zombie attack is to constantly be on the move. A mobile home is a good option as it allows you to flee from an attack of the undead without sacrificing the comforts of home.
10. If you can’t beat them, join them: You might end up eating your first born but at least you won’t have to pay for their college tuition.

HOW TO SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL

You can have power, wealth, an attractive mate and virtually anything else you ever dreamed of – by selling your soul to Satan! But how?

You must know what you’re doing when you make the deal or Satan will cheat you blind. That’s the word from Dr. Rex Touth, expert on satanic rituals and author of How to Negotiate Unholy Contracts.

Dr. Touth cites cases dating all the way back to the 16th century in which humans have agreed to spend eternity in Hell when they die in exchange for earthly pleasures while they’re alive.

“Human history and world literature are teeming with stories like that of Germany’s Dr. Faustus who sold his soul,” says Dr. Touth. “Our own American statesman Daniel Webster once debated Satan in a landmark soul-selling case in which he renegotiated the contract and had it overturned.

“Thousands have gained riches and fulfilled their fantasies.”

Here are some tips from Dr. Touth on how you can take advantage of the same opportunity:

1. SET THE DEAL UP PROPERLY. There’s a right and wrong way to make contact with the Devil. The right way is to be alone in your room, close your eyes and say, “Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right.” It may take dozens, even hundreds of tries but at all costs, avoid sounding desperate or needy. He’ll show up eventually.
2. DEAL FROM A POSITION OF POWER. By far the biggest mistake people make is to underestimate how badly Satan wants their soul. It’s like precious gold to him and he’ll pay anything to get it. When he appears, get him to make the first offer, then up it.
3. GET THE ABSOLUTE BEST. Remember, you’re going to burn in Hell forever. So no matter how badly off you are now, demand the best. For instance, even if you feel unlovable and desperate with loneliness, don’t just say, “I want the most gorgeous woman on earth and I want her to be madly in love with me.” Instead, add, “In fact, throw in 100 other women as well so I can pick and choose according to my mood.”
4. REMEMBER TO DEMAND THE LIFE-EXTENSION CLAUSE. Satan won’t tell you if you don’t ask but you can get a guarantee of 300 years of youthful life before you go to eternal damnation. Why enjoy a mere 75 or 80 years of reckless living when you can get 300?

Religious groups worldwide are trying to ban Dr. Touth’s book. “This kind of trash is spiritual dynamite,” says a spokesman for the North American Council of Churches and Synogogues. “We can’t, in good conscience, let people read how to destroy their almighty souls.”

But Dr. Touth says we should all be aware of the facts so we can make an informed decision. “It’s your soul,” he says. “Do waht you want with it.”

MICHAEL JACKSON FAKED HIS OWN DEATH?

NEW YORK, NY – Has The King of Pop imitated The King by faking his own death?

In a 1994 issue of Weekly World News, it was predicted that superstar Michael Jackson was so heartsick with the nightmare his troubled life had become, he would fake his own death – just like Elvis!

“Michael Jackson, like Elvis, is sick and tired of being larger than life and wants to get a life,” said world-renowned psychic and metaphysician Dr. Andy Reiss at the time.

“The superstar trip has trapped Michael in Neverland. Also there’s a very good chance he could end up in prison if he’s convicted of child sex abuse.

“The only way out of this mess he’s in is to fake his death, cut his hair and go underground,” says Dr. Reiss, who specializes in celebrity predictions.

Dr. Reiss believes The Gloved One will try to escape his hellish existence by “dying” in Neverland, his remote amusement park retreat.

“The cover story will be that Michael Jackson suffered a fatal heart attack while riding his Ferris wheel. Jackson’s ‘remains’ will be cremated and his ‘ashes’ will be scattered on the grounds of his estate,” he explains.

“The only way for Michael to start a fresh new life is to end the grotesque  life he has now. He learned the trick from Elvis.”

MICHELLE OBAMA SHORT SHORTS

WASHINGTON, DC – After her husband’s first fashion faux pas, First Lady Michelle Obama has apparently committed her own.

Bloggers and news pundits alike are discussing Michelle’s outfit after she dressed down during a recent family vacation.

This was how she was photographed exiting Air Force One after returning from the Grand Canyon:

Her supposed faux-pas as First Lady follows not long after President Obama was criticized for wearing “mom jeans” at a baseball game.

Should this be such a big deal? Michelle was on a family vacation, not official business, and spending time in a very hot area of the United States.

Or should she be expected to represent the White House at all times, regardless of the circumstances?

DROIDS HELP KIDS CHEAT

NEW YORK –  Android platform phones, or Droids, are  helping kids cheat in school.

Smart phones are all the rage and Android platform phones, often referred to as Droids, are gaining traction in the Apple dominated market. Apple’s iPhone App Store has over 100,000 apps to choose from but this figure pails in comparison to the 200,000+ apps that can be downloaded from the Android Market.

The Android Market offers a wide variety of games with popular titles such as Angry Birds, Jewels and Slice it! In addition to games, the market also offers applications to make your life a little bit easier such as email clients apps, Pandora , and social network based apps like Facebook for Android. However, one app in particular made life a little too easy for some children and created great concern for many educators.

The app “Give Me Your Answer” is one of the first apps of its kind to be offered with an ear piece. The concept behind this Russian designed app is that the user inserts the earpiece into the ear canal like one would do with a hearing aid. The user then simply asks a question out loud. The app incorporates Google’s Voice Search tool, which comes pre-installed on all Droids, and searches the internet for the answer. It then relays the answer quietly into the ear of the user. The concern for educators here was that students were using the app to aid them with their exams.

“After the holiday break, we were noticing several kids coming into class with hearing aids and found it to be quite strange. What was even odder was that they were all continually mumbling to themselves. But when our F students became A students overnight, we new something was up,” said Vice Principle Dilmer of PS 312.

Upon learning about the app, Google announced that it would remove the app from its Android Market.

“We very rarely will remove apps from the Market,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt, “but this is app is just plain wrong. We at Google believe that the children are our future. We have to teach them well and let them lead the way. We have to help to show them all the beauty, I mean intelligence, that they possess inside. We have to give them a sense of pride and make things easier, but not easier this way.”

GLENN BECK MOVING TO CHINA!

NEW CANAAN, CT – Glenn Beck announced yesterday that he will be taking his controversial talk-show to China – permanently!

According to inside sources, Chinese media giant CCTV offered Glenn Beck a $3 billion dollar/year contract to move his show to China.

“We believe the Chinese people will embrace Beck’s love of government and respect for authority,” said Jin Yao, VP of Social Relations at CCTV. “He is an expert fearmonger and a skilled propagandist. The People’s Republic of China can only benefit from his scare tactics and fanaticism.”

Representatives from Glenn Beck’s television show, The Glenn Beck Program, say that the deal has already been finalized, and that Beck and his family have already purchased a home in Beijing.

“Glenn Beck is excited for the move,” said Alexandra Dumascis, Beck’s publicist. “He can’t wait to take his political extremism overseas and help the people of China become patriotic, red-blooded Communists.”

“He’s already brushing up on his Mandarin!” she added.

However, not everyone at Fox News shares in Beck’s excitement.

“Glenn Beck is a hypocrite,” said Fox personality Sean Hannity. “He’s violating all of his principles by selling out to China. How can he call himself an American?”

Others were less subtle.

“Glenn Beck is a Commie!” said Bill O’Reilly. “I always knew he’d betray his country sooner or later. All it took was the right amount of cash.”

“Glenn Beck, you are a disgrace to America!” added O’Reilly.

According to police reports, thousands of fans from across the country have taken to the streets in protest.

“We want to let Glenn Beck know that he’s a disgrace to American conservatism!” said Wendell Yastrimski, who organized a protest outside of Beck’s Connecticut home. “He’s a sell out and he should be ashamed of himself!”

Glen Beck refused to comment to major media outlets about his decision to defect. However, he did make a private call to the Weekly World News office to explain his motives.

“$3 billion dollars is a lot of money,” said Beck. “You’d have to be a complete idiot to turn down that much dough. The American people can complain all they want, but the truth is: I’d sell my soul to the devil for $3 billion bucks!”

ALIEN SPACESHIPS TO ATTACK EARTH IN 2011

Three giant alien spaceships are heading for Earth!  Scientists predict they will arrive in early 2011.

UFO encounters continue to increase – as documented on WWN.  And today scientists at SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence), an independent non-commercial organization,  made a major announcement:

“Three giant spaceships are heading towards Earth. The largest one of them is 200 miles wide. Two others are slightly smaller. At present, the objects are just moving past Jupiter.  Judging by their speed, they should be on Earth by early 2011,” said John Malley, the lead extraterrestrial expert at SETI.

The spaceships were detected by HAARP search system. The system, based in Alaska, was designed to study the phenomenon of northern lights. According to SETI researchers, the objects are extraterrestrial spaceships. They will be visible in optical telescopes as soon as they reach Mars’s orbit – sometime in March of 2011. The US government has been reportedly informed about the event.

SETI researchers have spent fifty years monitoring space.   Professor Malley said that they have conclusively proven that “we are just newcomers in this huge and unexplored world. Many believe that there are many other civilizations in space beside our own civilization.”

Wikileaks recenlty released many classified documents that prove that NASA and high-level U.S. official are aware of the three spaceships and are making plans to battle the spaceships.  They have been concealing information from the U.S. public for decades. Wikileaks also confirms that the UFO sightings over the last three months prove that the alien invasions (long predicted by SETI) has begun. The three spaceships will mark the official beginning of the alien invasion.

Malley said that recently a Chinese official, Mao Kan, had obtained over than 1,000 secret NASA photographs depicting not only human footprints, but even a human carcass on the surface of the Moon. Some of the bones in the carcass were missing, the official said. The human corpse must have been dropped on the Moon from an alien spaceship, whereas the extraterrestrials kept some tissue samples for research.

Dr. Ken Johnston, former Manager of the Data and Photo Control Department at NASA’s Lunar Receiving Laboratory, said that US astronauts had found and photographed ancient ruins of artificial origin on the Moon.  US astronauts had seen large unknown mechanisms on the Moon.

Both Johnston and Mao Kan agree that the alien spaceships are heading for Earth.

Beginning in February of 2011 the U.N. will begin preparing citizens of the world for the attack of the three spaceships – which are believed to come from Planet Zeeba.

750 Pound Shark

EVERGLADES CITY, FL – A group of Florida men videotaped and caught a 750 pound mako shark!

Jamie Bunn, Danny Massa, Jeremy Huston and John Monti went swordfishing on Saturday, off of the Point Everglades Inlet. About 18 miles offshore, they noticed a dead swordfish floating in the water, being circled by a mako shark.

The men decided to lasso the dead fish and draw it up against the boat, so they could get a good look at the shark. Angry over the loss of its food, it began biting the boat’s exhaust and propellers!

After much struggle, they were able to get the shark gaffed and tied. But after almost three hours, they were unable to get it into the boat. “We realized we had a fish well north of 600 pounds when we couldn’t get it in the boat,” Bunn said.

The four men decided to just tie it to the back of the boat and tow it into the marina, where it weighed in at 748 pounds!

FCC OKAYS NUDITY ON TV

WASHINGTON, DC -  The FCC has declared that nudity will now be allowed on TV – including full frontal nudity!

The US Second Circuit Court of Appeals has vacated the $1.21 million worth of fines that the FCC levied against ABC after alleging that the network violated broadcast indecency standards for daring to show actress Charlotte Ross’ naked behind during a 2003 episode of “NYPD Blue.”

When overthrowing the fine, the court cited the FCC’s own declaration that “nudity itself is not indecent.” It also reiterated that the FCC’s context-based indecency test is “unconstitutionally vague,” as previously determined by the court when the FCC demanded fines from Fox when profanities were aired during the 2006 Billboard Music Awards.

The result of the latest ruling is that “networks now know that they won’t be fined for nudity of any kind,” says Jack Grimaldi, a leading TV producer in Hollywood.  “And producers are going to run wild.”

In essence, the ruling “gives television producers and networks more freedom to do whatever they want on television in terms of nudity and the  human body, “said Grimaldi.   He noted that network ratings are in severe decline and have been for a number of years, so he expects networks to pull out all the stops and use as much nudity, and full frontal nudity, as they can.

“I think the ten o’clock hour now will pretty much be all soft-core porn,” said Grimaldi.  “The new manta will be  – let’s use as much nudity and swear words as we can.”  Grimaldi noted that ratings are what drive television content and nudity will certainly provide a ratings boon for all networks.

The networks already love to push the boundaries and now – there won’t be any.  “The networks will be able to get away with everything that the premium cable channels do.  It’s going to level the playing field,” added top TV critic Joe Falconi.

Many are upset about the ruling and the prospects of children seeing full-frontal nudity in prime-time.  Focus on the Family President, Lars Beckman, said that “the FCC has run amok under the Obama Administration.  Our society is devolving.   We will not stand for this.  We plan to protest every show and every network that shows nudity and especially those that show frontal nudity.  This is outrageous!”

“Please, those people are just too uptight.  Nudity is no big deal anymore, everyone has nude pictures of themselves on their Facebook pages.  It’s old school to be so uptight about it,” said millionaire TV producer Sarah Williams, 27.   “There’s a lot bigger problems in this world, we don’t need to worry about seeing genitals on TV.  I mean, really?  There’s wars going on somewhere.”

Expect to see full-front nudity in prime-time this fall.   It’ll be… Must-See TV!

Miley Cyrus to do Playboy

LOS ANGELES – Miley Cyrus, who turned 18 on November 23rd, has done photo spread for Playboy!

Ever since Miley Cyrus turned 16, Hugh Hefner has been trying to sign her up to pose naked in Playboy after her 18th birthday.  Finally, with the approval of Miley Cyrus’ parents (Billy Ray and Tish), it’s a done deal – according to reports out of Arizona.

The photos were taken the day after her 18th birthday by Playboy’s top photographers, including Vlad Comito. The concept was approved by Hef himself, who says that Miley’s photo spread, will become a worldwide sensation.

The 84-year-old Playboy tycoon always thought the ‘Hannah Montana’ star – who caused controversy in 2008 by posing in just a blanket in Vanity Fair magazine for photographer Annie Leibovitz – would be a hit with readers of the adult magazine after she turns 18.

Hefner  said,  “We are excited to have her appear in the magazine. She’s a very pretty lady.”

Hefner, who thinks he still has three live-in girlfriends (even though they all moved out a year ago), also insists he can’t understand why some people are upset about Miley appearing in the magazine.  “Every woman wants to appear in Playboy,”  said Playboy CEO Sandra Piccoli.  “There’s a lot of  boys that grew up with her, and she is their fantasy girl.  And there are a lot of other men who buy our magazine because they love to see beautiful women.  Miley turned 18, so she is a legal adult and and officially  a woman.”

Playboy feels that the issue will be a smash success.  “If Miley wants to pose naked, as an adult, she has the right to do so,” said Piccoli.

Hefner is not surprised that some Americans object to Miley being in the magazine:  “I think it’s a reflection on how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.”  Many parents have complained recently about Miley’s new videos which seem racy.  There’s going to be even more complaints when they see her Playboy photo-spread.  Miley has agreed to pose completely naked.

Recently, Miley, has been accused of being too “slutty” – an artistic choice she made for her latest video.  Some may think that the Playboy photos may be a step too far for the young star, but she  will join a long line of celebrities to appear in the magazine:  Denise Richards, Drew Barrymore and Pamela Anderson have previously bared all for the publication.

There’s also concern because Miley is in talks to join the wild indie band, Moses Blue, on the road next summer.

Hugh founded Playboy in 1953, almost 40 years before Miley was born.  Insiders say the elderly Hef is losing some of his mental faculties because he’s started wearing suits, and shoes.  No more bathrobes and slippers.

WWN can confirm that the rumors about Billy Ray, playing a tuba, appearing in the background of some of Miley’s  Playboy photos are completely false, though they may be true.

WWN can also confirm that Billy Ray asked Hef if Playboy would dedicate an entire Playboy issue to him.  “I’ve always wanted to appear naked in Playboy.  I know it’s for guys, but I’m so damn good-looking, I deserve a spread and everyone deserves to be able to look at me naked!”

The Miley Playboy issue will be on newsstands starting three months and five days after her 18th birthday:  February 28th, 2011.

Miley is a big girl now, she Can’t Be Tamed:

"What I see" - Parent volunteer tells heartbreaking tale

Breann Treffry - As much I want to spare my own children from these wrongs, it’s just as wrong for adults to sit quietly by as the next generation, with eyes wide and full of hope and excitement, receives what has become the empty promise of an American public education.

We’ve heard much recently about the United States slipping in the education ranking of developed nations. Having been a product of the American public school system, I knew, like many other American parents, that the education it provides is, shall we say, lacking in certain areas. What I didn’t realize - until I enrolled my own children, immersed myself in their schools, classrooms, curricula, and classmates, attended school board meetings, and heard the stories of other concerned parents and teachers - is just how lacking that education truly is.

From home, it can be hard for parents to understand the damage that’s being done to our kids until it’s too late and our children suddenly require remediation, tutoring, or have their hopes for their future crushed when they discover they’re woefully unprepared for college. When I initially began volunteering at my kids’ school, I admit, it was to monitor the education my own kids were receiving. In these last years, however, the education all our kids are receiving has revealed itself as the train wreck from which I can’t look away. Moral duty compels me to share what I have seen that every parent should know.

While I have either personally witnessed or have reliable sources who have witnessed these atrocities within Spokane Public Schools, they are in no way isolated to this little town in eastern Washington. The trend is nationwide.

As much I want to spare my own children from these wrongs, it’s just as wrong for adults to sit quietly by as the next generation, with eyes wide and full of hope and excitement, receives what has become the empty promise of an American public education. The essence of public schools is education for all, yet our schools are falling far short of the claim that they will prepare students to compete as adults, let alone in a global market.

I ask parents and teachers, what have you seen that just doesn’t sit right with you? What have you been told to teach or not to teach? What have your kids brought home that didn’t make sense, but you feel you can only assume that the schools must know best? Any one of these seemingly little things as an isolated incident might not mean much but for our children’s sake, do not discount it. These incidents add up to one giant failure across the country, putting the United States at the bottom of the list. http://www.geographic.org/country_ranks/educational_score_performance_country_ranks_2009_oecd.html#maths
Parents and teachers, you are not alone. Get together, talk, stand up for our children. It’s their future and our nation’s future that are at stake.

1. Cursive writing is no longer taught.
2. I see high schoolers who cannot read cursive because they were never taught to write in cursive.
3. I see math curricula that do not teach standard algorithms, but rather create dependency on calculators and technology.
4. I see curricula that drive a wedge between students and their parents by fostering a dependency on peers through excessive group work.
5. I see math curricula that prevent parental involvement by excluding the methods we were taught and teaching only “new math.”
6. I know parents who can’t help their elementary age children with math homework because it doesn’t make sense to parents or students.
7. I’ve seen the light come on for students who have struggled for years - after their tutors or parents show them standard algorithms.
8. I have heard teachers ask parents to “please, please” not teach their children standard algorithms.
9. I know teachers who have offered classes for parents on how to understand the “new math.”
10. I know kids who “get in trouble” in class when they use the algorithms they learned at home.
11. I’ve heard parents and teachers remark that math has “changed so much” since we learned it; but, of course, math doesn’t change. Two plus two still equals four.
12. I see 12-year-olds who cannot add or subtract, let alone multiply or divide, yet have been pushed through to the next grade regardless.
13. I’ve heard teachers telling students, “You have to draw pictures to show your work” in math.
14. I see third and fourth graders who draw literally hundreds of marks or pictures to figure a single math problem because they haven’t been taught efficient methods, and still get the answer wrong.
15. I’ve seen eleventh graders who cannot divide a 3-digit number by a 1-digit number without a calculator.
16. I see elementary school classrooms with a calculator in every desk.
17. I know teachers who have been told not to try to engage struggling and difficult students in lessons but to let them be content with picture books in class.
18. I know teachers who have been reprimanded for criticizing district curricula or policy.
19. I see teachers paranoid and intimidated over teaching traditional math like standard algorithms and facts drill in their classrooms.
20. I’ve heard district administrators openly discussing “problem teachers.”
21. I see students in classrooms where the teacher taught algorithms and drilled math facts excel the following year over students from classrooms where the teacher did not.
22. I know volunteer tutors who’ve been refused because they teach traditional math methods rather than “fuzzy” math.
23. I see students who are “good at math” in tears over their math homework.
24. I’ve heard a teacher tell students, “Abraham Lincoln fought and died in the Civil War.” I see an appalling rate of high school graduates who require remedial math courses in college.
25. I’ve seen students who successfully test into college-level math ultimately struggle and learn that they need remediation after all to fill in the holes in their math education.
26. I see kids being taught daily to a level far beneath their capacity, and being told that they just have to sit there.
27. Alternately, I see teachers struggle to provide additional challenges for those kids using only “district-approved curricula.”
28. I see third graders singing preschool songs as a class.
29. I’ve seen district-provided material that tells teachers to spend more individual instructional time with lower-performing students than with higher-performing students.
30. I see students who mock and taunt adults in the school, with no significant consequences.
31. I see students with multiple truancies that result in no consequences.
32. I see unexcused absences that go undisciplined.
33. I see late work given full credit.
34. I see students receive extra credit points through no effort of their own, for example, when the teacher calls them by the wrong name in class.
35. I’ve seen implementation of a grading system where it’s often impossible to achieve either the highest or the lowest grade.
36. I’ve seen materials that tell teachers to train students not to question teachers or other students, not to raise their hand when they have the right answer, and not to take the lead in groups.
37. I see academic learning time used for social exercises designed to make sure everyone a) feels good and b) realizes that they’re a small part of a large group.
38. I’ve learned that - despite what the district has claimed - the WASL (now the MSP or HSPE at the high school level) is not required, not at any grade level and not for graduation in the state of Washington – rather, there are several ways to meet the graduation requirement.
39. I see students’ love of and excitement for learning turning to drudgery and perceived failure.
    

As much I want to spare my own children from these wrongs, it’s just as wrong for adults to sit quietly by as the next generation, with eyes wide and full of hope and excitement, receives what has become the empty promise of an American public education. The essence of public schools is education for all, yet our schools are falling far short of the claim that they will prepare students to compete as adults, let alone in a global market.

I ask parents and teachers, what have you seen that just doesn’t sit right with you? What have you been told to teach or not to teach? What have your kids brought home that didn’t make sense, but you feel you can only assume that the schools must know best? Any one of these seemingly little things as an isolated incident might not mean much but for our children’s sake, do not discount it. These incidents add up to one giant failure across the country, putting the United States at the bottom of the list. http://www.geographic.org/country_ranks/educational_score_performance_country_ranks_2009_oecd.html#maths
Parents and teachers, you are not alone. Get together, talk, stand up for our children. It’s their future and our nation’s future that are at stake.