GAGA LOSES “MOST LIKED” TITLE

Lady Gaga loses number one spot to Eminem on Facebook
Even though Eminem did not walk away with the Grammy’s Album of the Year award, again, that did not stop him from bulldozing his way to the top of the social network.
Until now, Lady Gaga was the reigning queen of Facebook as the most “liked” artist on the popular social networking site. But now queen Gaga has been dethroned and the internet has now crowned a new queen king, Eminem.
Eminem surpassed Lady Gaga’s “like” total of 28,872,000 by implementing a guerilla style internet campaign to “get his like on” garnering him a staggering 35,659,000 total “likes” in no time. Em achieved this immense margin by gaining in excess of a million “likes” a week and the trend does not seem to be stopping.
When Gaga heard the news she was enraged beyond belief.
“I cannot believe the tactics that he used to achieve this status,” exclaimed Gaga, “What he did here was unconscionable and I, for one, will not stand for it!”
Having her internet hands tied over the matter, she decided to take the matter into her literal hands. Lady Gaga has publicaly challenged Eminem to a fight. That’s right an old school 3 o’clock, parking lot style throw down.

The fight is scheduled to take place later next month in the parking lot of an abandoned GM factory in Detroit. Gaga said that she would allow the fight to be on Em’s home turf since she called him out.
“I’m gonna f**k that bitch up! She don’t know what she done got herself into!” retaliated Eminem.

Several other stars plan to attend the brawl and they are taking sides.
Team Eminem currently has a roster of Dr. Dre, Llyod Banks, Lil Wayne, and, surprisingly, Sir Elton John.
Team Gaga, to date, consists of with Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Yoko Ono, and Yanni.
“There was a lot of talk in Hollywood as to which side Elton would take. His decision was a bit of a shock to us all especially after the announcement that Lady Gaga would be the godmother of his adopted son,” said Extra’s Mario Lopez, “But my money is on Gaga, Yoko is one mean bitch and Yanni fights dirty.”
Who do you have your money on?

BJ PENN TO BECOME A POET

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – After the UFC 127 majority draw BJ Penn calls it quits to get creative.

BJ Penn, born Jay Dee Penn, considered leaving the octagon once before after a losing a second time to Frankie Edgar. But the love of the sport reeled him back in for another 9 matches. However, it seems as though that the recent tie to Jon Fitch in UFC 127 was more than Penn could handle and is calling it quits for good.

Shortly after the results from the recent UFC 127 event, Penn announced that he would be retiring to work on his life dream of being a published poet.

“I don’t want to do this anymore; I don’t know what’s wrong. If I’m going to go out there and perform like that, maybe this isn’t something worth doing,” said Penn.

Since a young boy Penn had always been interested in poetry. He explained that he found a striking similarity between the sense of calm that he felt after training in martial arts to the clarity and enlightenment that he gains after penning his poetic prose.

Penn continued by stating, “As soon as the fight was done, a million different things were running through my head. I’m kind of disappointed I gave away the third round like that. I know now that sitting down at my writing desk with a warm cup of chamomile tea will really help me to work through this.”

However, Penn should really find no shame in fighting the world’s No. 2 welterweight to a draw. But as we now know the 32-year-old has had other interests outside of his professional fighting career, like getting his first book of poetry on the shelves of bookstores throughout the world.

Although still looking for a publisher, Penn hopes to have his work available by late 2011.

SKUNK APE

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of hiding out in Everglades National Park, Skunk Ape is having a coming out party.

For the past twenty years stories have been told in South Florida about the hideous and vile smelling skunk ape who preys upon deer, fox, alligators, and sometimes even humans.

Skunk Ape has returned!

He has been described as a mix of  an ape and a skunk, Bigfoot and a dirty diaper, and Danny Devito without the farting noises. Though, without photos verifying proof or anyone sober verifying proof, for that matter, it has not been brought to the public’s attention, until today.

Skunk Ape is looking to get out of the swamp and into girl’s bikinis. He has been sighted up and down Fort Lauderdale Beach and some have claimed to even see him as far south as Miami. He has been drinking, dancing, and “getting dirty” some have claimed as they have seen him carousing the sand looking for dance partners and drinking buddies.

Kim Cloisters, from Delray Beach, came in town last weekend and noticed a huge pile of hair swaying back and forth to techno music. “At first I was a little afraid when he approached, but once you get past the smell, he is pretty similar to any other guy from Jersey that hasn’t been waxed in a while.”

In fact, the Skunk Ape seems to be the life of the party down in South Florida these days. Aside from two reports of dogs missing on the beaches, there have been no complaints about this seemingly lovable oaf. He has even gotten a few affectionate nicknames, the main two being Harry and Odie, short for odorous I expect.

Looks like Skunk Ape, from the pictures and stories swirling around Fort Lauderdale, seems to have found himself a new home.

UFO OVER JERUSALEM!

JERUSALEM – UFOs have been spotted over the Dome of the Rock – an ancient Islamic shrine!
Ever since violence has erupted in Egypt there have been numerous sightings of UFOs over Jerusalem, particularly over the Dome of the Rock – and ancient Islamic shrine.
Israeli, British and American intelligence agencies have confirmed over two thousand UFO sightings over Jerusalem in the last ten days.
“These UFOs are real.  The videos that were shot of the UFOs are the most incredible videos ever shot,”  said UK Ministry of Defense UFO investigator Nick Pope.  U.S. Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, said  “this confirms what the U.N. and our intelligence agencies have been tracking for the last several months – there is an ongoing alien invasion occurring around the globe.”

Some skeptics believe the UFOs are really aircraft belonging to the Israeli army, some believe that they are high-tech drones.  “Nonsense,” said Israeli General, Avi Meade.  “The spaceships that we have observed, and videotaped, hovering over the Dome of the Rock are the much more advanced pieces of technology than anything created by man on Earth.”

The U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials issued a statement late today.  “This is final proof that aliens exist and are attacking Earth.  We must come together and fight them.”

But why are the aliens flying over the Dome of the Rock — an ancient Islamic shrine?  Flying above the shrine is strictly  — forbidden.

Professor John Malley of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials said,  “the aliens are clearly upset with the recent developments in Egypt. They are sending a message:  resolve this conflict or we will resolve it for you.”

WWN has reported extensively about the ongoing alien invasion that has been documented to begin in early 2011 and continue until 2015 – when the whole world will be under alien control.   Governments around the world are trying to cover-up the invasion in any way they can.   But, the U.N. Panel is trying to counter act this propaganda campaign.
“The alien invasion is under way.  Jerusalem is just the beginning,” said Professor Malley.
Here are two clips of the UFOs over Jerusalem:

MAN BUILDS SNOW CASTLE

CENTRAL PARK, NY – Homeless man builds underground snow castle for winter residence.

The northeast has been ravaged by old man winter and his fury does not seem to be ending anytime soon. New York City’s Central Park has already seen an accumulation of 36 plus inches of snow since winter began. Owners of homes and apartment complexes have been cursing the snow as it continues to settle into the metro area week after week.

But one homeless man has taken this proverbial lemon and made not just lemonade but an entire lemonade factory so to speak.

Jimmy “Iceman” James, has been living on the streets of New York since the late 1970s. He has lived in various locations including the dumpster behind CBGB, the now abandoned City Hall subway station, and of course Central Park.

“The streets of the big apple have always treated me well,” recounts Iceman while standing outside of the unassuming entrance to his new digs, “Most of the places where I have deiced to rest my head have always been decent places.”

It was just after the blizzard this past December that Iceman got the idea to make a place that he could call home.

“The idea came to me when a heaping pot of day old lo mein was dumped on my head while I was sleeping in the dumpster just behind Tung Shing House. I woke up, looked outside of the dumpster, saw the monstrous amount of snow on the ground and it hit me like a snowball. But I realized I was actually hit by a snowball by some punk kids. After wiping the snow from eyes I realized that I no longer had to live in dumpsters. I could make my own home out of the snow.”

Iceman recounts that he immediately made a swift voyage back to Central Park, what he likes to refer to as his summer home, where he began making plans for his new winter abode. He knew that the structure needed to be inconspicuous or the Parks Department would surely knock it down.

To combat this problem Iceman decided to make an elaborate underground castle-like labyrinth of a home, having a great hall, bedroom, and of course a bar. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The entire underground layer encompasses a whopping 13,000 square feet.

When Iceman was asked how he could accomplish such an amazing feat he simply replied with a toothless grin, “You’d be surprised what other homeless people will do with just a little bit of convincing and lots of crack cocaine.”

GROUNDHOG DEAD

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Punxsutawney Phil was found dead this morning in an apparent suicide.

Sources report he committed suicide after the harshest winter in centuries and in advance of the monster winter storm expected this week.

He did not see his shadow at Gobbler’s Knob today, which indicates an early spring, but sources confirm Phil had doubted his accuracy for some time. Terrified that the record-breaking snowfall would continue through the end of March, Phil couldn’t face the possibility that his prediction might be wrong.

Caretakers noted in recent weeks that Phil, the only true weather forecasting groundhog, had become irritable and reclusive. He had been refusing food, consuming only water and a few acorns each day.”

He really took a turn for the worse in the last few weeks. He really doubted himself, his abilities, and the groundhog legend. We started giving him Amitriptyline, an anti-anxiety medication for dogs, at the beginning of January, hoping it would be enough to take the edge off. I’m so sorry we couldn’t do more. He had been seeing a veterinarian psychiatrist and had started to turn things around mentally. This is really just a sad day for the entire Punxsutawney family. Phil didn’t have to go out like this. He abandoned us.”

Phil had one son, Philipo. He is reportedly inconsolable, but promises to be back next February 2nd to fill in for his revered father.

Examiners have not released an official cause of death. Toxicology reports are expected to take six to eight weeks. According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.Weather experts speculate that the northern hemisphere may be stuck in a “limbo winter” for several years. Punxsutawney insiders believe Phil felt this never-ending winter and couldn’t face his future without a spring.

ESCAPE FROM EGYPT ON A MAGIC CARPET!

CAIRO, Egypt – Magic carpet rides aid in mass exodus from Cairo.

In the days following the civil uprising in Egypt, chaos has ensued in the capital of the ancient land.  Food, water and other essentials are becoming scarcer within the country’s capital, causing people to loot and kill while giving rise to a new form of travel.

Cairo international airport has been virtually bum rushed by foreigners and Egyptian nationals alike in an attempt to flee the politically unstable city.

The US has already evacuated more than 1,200 Americans from Cairo on nine charter flights as of Monday. Many European countries have issued travel advisories and have begun evacuating their citizens as well. And although many countries are doing what they can to safely transport their citizens out of the chaos, entry into the airport itself can be a challenge of its own.

“The terminals are full of panicking people. The ground staff is disappearing, and at the gate, just before entering, we all together had to collect $2,000 for a policeman at the door… He would not let us pass without paying,” said a 44-year-old traveler attempting to leave Cairo.

For those who cannot afford the $2,000 entry tariff/bribe, there is an unassuming middle-aged man stationed just outside the main entrance to the departing terminals with a semi-professional sign that reads “Aladdin Air”.

Esru Okowem, the shop owner of Aladdin Air is selling magic carpets that will transport up to three adults or two adults and two children at a time, at an altitude of about 750 feet, across the Mediterranean Sea to the island of Cyprus. The carpets range from $500 for an Arabic commanded version to as much as $1,000 for a carpet that can be commanded with French, German, or English. There is also a bargain bin version that is Latin commanded only for $250.

Many travelers strapped for cash have opted for the Latin only version. “Fuge celeberrima Cypro” is the command to activate the carpet to transport the passengers to Cyprus. Unfortunately for them, Latin is a dead language that very few people in the modern world speak and as a result, some travelers are experiencing difficulties navigating the carpets.

Many carpet riders have wound up in locations not much better than Cairo. There have been reports that bargain bin carpets have taken Americans directly into the West Bank instead of Cyprus making the new location equally as bad if not worse for the weary travelers.

Doctors, however, have successfully navigated the bargain bin rugs and lawyers have been able to give convincing arguments to the carpets explaining why their pronunciations are correct.