END OF WORLD: MAY 21, 2011

RALEIGH, N.C. – According to a Christian group, Judgment Day is May 21, 2011.  Soon after that… we’ll all be dead.

If there had been time, Marie Exley would have liked to start a family. Instead, the 32-year-old Army veteran has less than six months left, which she’ll spend spreading a stark warning: Judgment Day is almost here.

Exley is part of a movement of Christians loosely organized by radio broadcasts and websites, independent of churches and convinced by their reading of the Bible that the end of the world will begin May 21, 2011.

To get the word out, they’re using billboards and bus stop benches, traveling caravans of RVs and volunteers passing out pamphlets on street corners . Cities from Bridgeport, Conn., to Little Rock, Ark., now have billboards with the ominous message, and mission groups are traveling through Latin America and Africa to spread the news outside the U.S.

“A lot of people might think, ‘The end’s coming, let’s go party,’” said Exley, a veteran of two deployments in Iraq. “But we’re commanded by God to warn people. I wish I could just be like everybody else, but it’s so much better to know that when the end comes, you’ll be safe.”

In August, Exley left her home in Colorado Springs, Colo., to work with Oakland, Calif.-based Family Radio Worldwide, the independent Christian ministry whose leader, Harold Camping, has calculated the May 21 date based on his reading of the Bible.

She is organizing traveling columns of RVs carrying the message from city to city, a logistics challenge that her military experience has helped solve. The vehicles are scheduled to be in five North Carolina cities between now and the second week of January, but Exley will shortly be gone: overseas, where she hopes to eventually make it back to Iraq.

“I don’t really have plans to come back,” she said. “Time is short.”

Not everyone who’s heard Camping’s message is taking such a dramatic step. They’re remaining in their day-to-day lives, but helping publicize the prophecy in other ways. Allison Warden, of Raleigh, has been helping organize a campaign using billboards, post cards and other media in cities across the U.S. through a website, We Can Know.

The 29-year-old payroll clerk laughs when asked about reactions to the message, which is plastered all over her car.

“It’s definitely against the grain, I know that,” she said. “We’re hoping people won’t take our word for it, or Harold Camping’s word for it. We’re hoping that people will search the scriptures for themselves.”

Camping, 89, believes the Bible essentially functions as a cosmic calendar explaining exactly when various prophecies will be fulfilled.

The retired civil engineer said all his calculations come from close readings of the Bible, but that external events like the foundation of the state of Israel in 1948 are signs confirming the date.

“Beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the day of judgment,” he said.

The doctrine known as the Rapture teaches that believers will be taken up to heaven, while everyone else will remain on earth for a period of torment, concluding with the end of time. Camping believes that will happen in October.

“If May 21 passes and I’m still here, that means I wasn’t saved. Does that mean God’s word is inaccurate or untrue? Not at all,”  Warden said.

The belief that Christ will return to earth and bring an end to history has been a basic element of Christian belief since the first century. The Book of Revelation, which comes last in the New Testatment, describes this conclusion in vivid language that has inspired Christians for centuries.

But few churches are willing to set a date for the end of the world, heeding Jesus’ words in the gospels of Mark and Matthew that no one can know the day or hour it will happen. Predictions like Camping’s, though, aren’t new. One of the most famous in history was by the Baptist leader William Miller, who predicted the end for Oct. 22, 1844, which came to be known as the Great Disappointment among his followers, some of whom subsequently founded the Seventh Day Adventist church.

“In the U.S., there is still a significant population, mostly Protestant, who look at the Bible as kind of a puzzle, and the puzzle is God’s word and it’s predicting when the end times will come,” said Catherine Wessinger, a professor at Loyola University in New Orleans who studies millennialism, the belief in pending apocalypse.

“A lot of times these prophecies gain traction when difficulties are happening in society,” she said. “Right now, there’s a lot of insecurity, and this is a promise that says it’s not all random, it’s part of God’s plan.”

Past predictions that failed to come true don’t have any bearing on the current calculation, believers maintain.

“It would be like telling the Wright brothers that every other attempt to fly has failed, so you shouldn’t even try,” said Chris McCann, who works with eBible Fellowship, one of the groups spreading the message.

For believers like McCann, theirs is actually a message of hope and compassion: God’s compassion for people, and the hope that there’s still time to be saved.

That, ultimately, is what spurs on Exley, who said her beliefs have alienated her from most of her friends and family. Her hope is that not everyone who hears her message will mock it, and that even people who dismiss her now might still come to believe.

“If you still want to say we’re crazy, go ahead,” she said. “But it doesn’t hurt to look into it.”

OBAMAS GO TO CARNEVALE

RIO DE JANEIRO – President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama headed to Rio to celebrate Carnevale!

There is a crisis in the Mideast, a crisis in Wisconsin, a looming budget crisis so… what better time for the President to go the biggest party in the world!

President Obama and the First Lady headed down to Rio – with Giselle Bundchen and Tom Brady – to take in the festivities.   They all joined the Beija Flor Samba School and marched (danced) in the Sambadrome.  Michelle is pictured above.

Here is the President’s costume:

Here’s Giselle:

Here’s Tom Brady:

Many government officials in Washington were outraged that the President would go on a vacation during the Libyan crisis.  White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, told reporters, “Look the President wants to be clear… he loves a good party and there’s no way he’s going to miss it.  Why should he let a crazy man like Ghadaffi ruin the party.”

Carney went on to say that the President is going to make an “important” decision about Libya in the next month – after he reviews all the options.  “All the options are on the table, and the President needs to spread out the options and sit at the table and look them over.  But he won’t be at the table until he gets back from Rio.”

The Rio Carnival is a wild 4 day celebration, 40 days before Easter. It officially starts on Saturday and finishes on Fat Tuesday with the beginning of Lent on Ash Wednesday after which one is supposed to abstain from all bodily pleasures. Carnival with all its excesses, celebrated as a profane event, can be considered an act of farewell to the pleasures of the flesh. It usually happens in February, the hottest month in the Southern Hemisphere, when the Rio summer is at its peak.

D’ALESSANDRO: BEST SOCCER PLAYER IN THE WORLD

BRAZIL -  The Argentinean soccer star, Andres D’Alessandro, has been named the greatest soccer player in the world by FIFA.

Andres D’Alessandro won the Copa Libertadores da America with his team Internacional.  Soon after FIFA officals voted D’Alessandro The Greatest Soccer Player in the World.

D’Alessandro is a left-footed footballer who currently plays for Sport Club Internacional in Brazil. He is best known for his dribbling and his short passing ability.  Many consider him the best left-footed player to ever step on the pitch.  Pele has said that D’Alessandro may prove to be the greatest soccer player to ever live.

D’Alessandro beat out fellow Argentinean star, Lionel Messi,  Portugal star Cristiano Ronaldo, Swedish stars Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Adam Hofverberg,  Steven Gerrard,  Samuel Eto’o,  Kaka, Xavi, Fernando Torrres, Frank Lampard and of course David Beckham (who begged to be put on the top ten list) for the FIFA honor.

D’Alessandro, is the most popular Argentinean midfield player in the history of the sport.  He recently edged fellow Argentinean Veron and the Brazilian striker Neymar to become the Best Soccer Player in America, 2010, awarded each year by the Uruguayan newspaper El Pais.

D’Alessandro received the news while visiting his cousin, Troy D’Alessandro, a rising American soccer star, in Jacksonville, Florida.  He also met with his cousin, Greg D’Alessandro, a Hollywood screenwriter and director who is shooting a documentary about the Argentinean star.

What do you think, did FIFA  make the right choice?

GAGA LOSES “MOST LIKED” TITLE

Lady Gaga loses number one spot to Eminem on Facebook
Even though Eminem did not walk away with the Grammy’s Album of the Year award, again, that did not stop him from bulldozing his way to the top of the social network.
Until now, Lady Gaga was the reigning queen of Facebook as the most “liked” artist on the popular social networking site. But now queen Gaga has been dethroned and the internet has now crowned a new queen king, Eminem.
Eminem surpassed Lady Gaga’s “like” total of 28,872,000 by implementing a guerilla style internet campaign to “get his like on” garnering him a staggering 35,659,000 total “likes” in no time. Em achieved this immense margin by gaining in excess of a million “likes” a week and the trend does not seem to be stopping.
When Gaga heard the news she was enraged beyond belief.
“I cannot believe the tactics that he used to achieve this status,” exclaimed Gaga, “What he did here was unconscionable and I, for one, will not stand for it!”
Having her internet hands tied over the matter, she decided to take the matter into her literal hands. Lady Gaga has publicaly challenged Eminem to a fight. That’s right an old school 3 o’clock, parking lot style throw down.

The fight is scheduled to take place later next month in the parking lot of an abandoned GM factory in Detroit. Gaga said that she would allow the fight to be on Em’s home turf since she called him out.
“I’m gonna f**k that bitch up! She don’t know what she done got herself into!” retaliated Eminem.

Several other stars plan to attend the brawl and they are taking sides.
Team Eminem currently has a roster of Dr. Dre, Llyod Banks, Lil Wayne, and, surprisingly, Sir Elton John.
Team Gaga, to date, consists of with Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Yoko Ono, and Yanni.
“There was a lot of talk in Hollywood as to which side Elton would take. His decision was a bit of a shock to us all especially after the announcement that Lady Gaga would be the godmother of his adopted son,” said Extra’s Mario Lopez, “But my money is on Gaga, Yoko is one mean bitch and Yanni fights dirty.”
Who do you have your money on?

BJ PENN TO BECOME A POET

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – After the UFC 127 majority draw BJ Penn calls it quits to get creative.

BJ Penn, born Jay Dee Penn, considered leaving the octagon once before after a losing a second time to Frankie Edgar. But the love of the sport reeled him back in for another 9 matches. However, it seems as though that the recent tie to Jon Fitch in UFC 127 was more than Penn could handle and is calling it quits for good.

Shortly after the results from the recent UFC 127 event, Penn announced that he would be retiring to work on his life dream of being a published poet.

“I don’t want to do this anymore; I don’t know what’s wrong. If I’m going to go out there and perform like that, maybe this isn’t something worth doing,” said Penn.

Since a young boy Penn had always been interested in poetry. He explained that he found a striking similarity between the sense of calm that he felt after training in martial arts to the clarity and enlightenment that he gains after penning his poetic prose.

Penn continued by stating, “As soon as the fight was done, a million different things were running through my head. I’m kind of disappointed I gave away the third round like that. I know now that sitting down at my writing desk with a warm cup of chamomile tea will really help me to work through this.”

However, Penn should really find no shame in fighting the world’s No. 2 welterweight to a draw. But as we now know the 32-year-old has had other interests outside of his professional fighting career, like getting his first book of poetry on the shelves of bookstores throughout the world.

Although still looking for a publisher, Penn hopes to have his work available by late 2011.

SKUNK APE

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of hiding out in Everglades National Park, Skunk Ape is having a coming out party.

For the past twenty years stories have been told in South Florida about the hideous and vile smelling skunk ape who preys upon deer, fox, alligators, and sometimes even humans.

Skunk Ape has returned!

He has been described as a mix of  an ape and a skunk, Bigfoot and a dirty diaper, and Danny Devito without the farting noises. Though, without photos verifying proof or anyone sober verifying proof, for that matter, it has not been brought to the public’s attention, until today.

Skunk Ape is looking to get out of the swamp and into girl’s bikinis. He has been sighted up and down Fort Lauderdale Beach and some have claimed to even see him as far south as Miami. He has been drinking, dancing, and “getting dirty” some have claimed as they have seen him carousing the sand looking for dance partners and drinking buddies.

Kim Cloisters, from Delray Beach, came in town last weekend and noticed a huge pile of hair swaying back and forth to techno music. “At first I was a little afraid when he approached, but once you get past the smell, he is pretty similar to any other guy from Jersey that hasn’t been waxed in a while.”

In fact, the Skunk Ape seems to be the life of the party down in South Florida these days. Aside from two reports of dogs missing on the beaches, there have been no complaints about this seemingly lovable oaf. He has even gotten a few affectionate nicknames, the main two being Harry and Odie, short for odorous I expect.

Looks like Skunk Ape, from the pictures and stories swirling around Fort Lauderdale, seems to have found himself a new home.

UFO OVER JERUSALEM!

JERUSALEM – UFOs have been spotted over the Dome of the Rock – an ancient Islamic shrine!
Ever since violence has erupted in Egypt there have been numerous sightings of UFOs over Jerusalem, particularly over the Dome of the Rock – and ancient Islamic shrine.
Israeli, British and American intelligence agencies have confirmed over two thousand UFO sightings over Jerusalem in the last ten days.
“These UFOs are real.  The videos that were shot of the UFOs are the most incredible videos ever shot,”  said UK Ministry of Defense UFO investigator Nick Pope.  U.S. Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, said  “this confirms what the U.N. and our intelligence agencies have been tracking for the last several months – there is an ongoing alien invasion occurring around the globe.”

Some skeptics believe the UFOs are really aircraft belonging to the Israeli army, some believe that they are high-tech drones.  “Nonsense,” said Israeli General, Avi Meade.  “The spaceships that we have observed, and videotaped, hovering over the Dome of the Rock are the much more advanced pieces of technology than anything created by man on Earth.”

The U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials issued a statement late today.  “This is final proof that aliens exist and are attacking Earth.  We must come together and fight them.”

But why are the aliens flying over the Dome of the Rock — an ancient Islamic shrine?  Flying above the shrine is strictly  — forbidden.

Professor John Malley of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials said,  “the aliens are clearly upset with the recent developments in Egypt. They are sending a message:  resolve this conflict or we will resolve it for you.”

WWN has reported extensively about the ongoing alien invasion that has been documented to begin in early 2011 and continue until 2015 – when the whole world will be under alien control.   Governments around the world are trying to cover-up the invasion in any way they can.   But, the U.N. Panel is trying to counter act this propaganda campaign.
“The alien invasion is under way.  Jerusalem is just the beginning,” said Professor Malley.
Here are two clips of the UFOs over Jerusalem:

MAN BUILDS SNOW CASTLE

CENTRAL PARK, NY – Homeless man builds underground snow castle for winter residence.

The northeast has been ravaged by old man winter and his fury does not seem to be ending anytime soon. New York City’s Central Park has already seen an accumulation of 36 plus inches of snow since winter began. Owners of homes and apartment complexes have been cursing the snow as it continues to settle into the metro area week after week.

But one homeless man has taken this proverbial lemon and made not just lemonade but an entire lemonade factory so to speak.

Jimmy “Iceman” James, has been living on the streets of New York since the late 1970s. He has lived in various locations including the dumpster behind CBGB, the now abandoned City Hall subway station, and of course Central Park.

“The streets of the big apple have always treated me well,” recounts Iceman while standing outside of the unassuming entrance to his new digs, “Most of the places where I have deiced to rest my head have always been decent places.”

It was just after the blizzard this past December that Iceman got the idea to make a place that he could call home.

“The idea came to me when a heaping pot of day old lo mein was dumped on my head while I was sleeping in the dumpster just behind Tung Shing House. I woke up, looked outside of the dumpster, saw the monstrous amount of snow on the ground and it hit me like a snowball. But I realized I was actually hit by a snowball by some punk kids. After wiping the snow from eyes I realized that I no longer had to live in dumpsters. I could make my own home out of the snow.”

Iceman recounts that he immediately made a swift voyage back to Central Park, what he likes to refer to as his summer home, where he began making plans for his new winter abode. He knew that the structure needed to be inconspicuous or the Parks Department would surely knock it down.

To combat this problem Iceman decided to make an elaborate underground castle-like labyrinth of a home, having a great hall, bedroom, and of course a bar. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The entire underground layer encompasses a whopping 13,000 square feet.

When Iceman was asked how he could accomplish such an amazing feat he simply replied with a toothless grin, “You’d be surprised what other homeless people will do with just a little bit of convincing and lots of crack cocaine.”

GROUNDHOG DEAD

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Punxsutawney Phil was found dead this morning in an apparent suicide.

Sources report he committed suicide after the harshest winter in centuries and in advance of the monster winter storm expected this week.

He did not see his shadow at Gobbler’s Knob today, which indicates an early spring, but sources confirm Phil had doubted his accuracy for some time. Terrified that the record-breaking snowfall would continue through the end of March, Phil couldn’t face the possibility that his prediction might be wrong.

Caretakers noted in recent weeks that Phil, the only true weather forecasting groundhog, had become irritable and reclusive. He had been refusing food, consuming only water and a few acorns each day.”

He really took a turn for the worse in the last few weeks. He really doubted himself, his abilities, and the groundhog legend. We started giving him Amitriptyline, an anti-anxiety medication for dogs, at the beginning of January, hoping it would be enough to take the edge off. I’m so sorry we couldn’t do more. He had been seeing a veterinarian psychiatrist and had started to turn things around mentally. This is really just a sad day for the entire Punxsutawney family. Phil didn’t have to go out like this. He abandoned us.”

Phil had one son, Philipo. He is reportedly inconsolable, but promises to be back next February 2nd to fill in for his revered father.

Examiners have not released an official cause of death. Toxicology reports are expected to take six to eight weeks. According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.Weather experts speculate that the northern hemisphere may be stuck in a “limbo winter” for several years. Punxsutawney insiders believe Phil felt this never-ending winter and couldn’t face his future without a spring.

ESCAPE FROM EGYPT ON A MAGIC CARPET!

CAIRO, Egypt – Magic carpet rides aid in mass exodus from Cairo.

In the days following the civil uprising in Egypt, chaos has ensued in the capital of the ancient land.  Food, water and other essentials are becoming scarcer within the country’s capital, causing people to loot and kill while giving rise to a new form of travel.

Cairo international airport has been virtually bum rushed by foreigners and Egyptian nationals alike in an attempt to flee the politically unstable city.

The US has already evacuated more than 1,200 Americans from Cairo on nine charter flights as of Monday. Many European countries have issued travel advisories and have begun evacuating their citizens as well. And although many countries are doing what they can to safely transport their citizens out of the chaos, entry into the airport itself can be a challenge of its own.

“The terminals are full of panicking people. The ground staff is disappearing, and at the gate, just before entering, we all together had to collect $2,000 for a policeman at the door… He would not let us pass without paying,” said a 44-year-old traveler attempting to leave Cairo.

For those who cannot afford the $2,000 entry tariff/bribe, there is an unassuming middle-aged man stationed just outside the main entrance to the departing terminals with a semi-professional sign that reads “Aladdin Air”.

Esru Okowem, the shop owner of Aladdin Air is selling magic carpets that will transport up to three adults or two adults and two children at a time, at an altitude of about 750 feet, across the Mediterranean Sea to the island of Cyprus. The carpets range from $500 for an Arabic commanded version to as much as $1,000 for a carpet that can be commanded with French, German, or English. There is also a bargain bin version that is Latin commanded only for $250.

Many travelers strapped for cash have opted for the Latin only version. “Fuge celeberrima Cypro” is the command to activate the carpet to transport the passengers to Cyprus. Unfortunately for them, Latin is a dead language that very few people in the modern world speak and as a result, some travelers are experiencing difficulties navigating the carpets.

Many carpet riders have wound up in locations not much better than Cairo. There have been reports that bargain bin carpets have taken Americans directly into the West Bank instead of Cyprus making the new location equally as bad if not worse for the weary travelers.

Doctors, however, have successfully navigated the bargain bin rugs and lawyers have been able to give convincing arguments to the carpets explaining why their pronunciations are correct.

MONSTER SNOWSTORM

WASHINGTON -  The biggest snowstorm in the history of the U.S.  will wallop the entire country on Groundhog’s Day.  President Obama has declared a national emergency.

The National Weather Service predicts a monster winter storm will hit most of the United States this Wednesday – dropping mountains of snow, sleet and freezing rain on the Rockies, Plains, Midwest and the Northeast.  Two hundred million people will be affected.

“The United States has never seen a winter storm as strong as this.  The storm is twice as strong as Hurricane Katrina, but will affect a larger area of the country,” said Joe Bastardi the chief forecaster for AccuWeather.  “This storm will do more damage in one day than all the hurricanes of the last ten years, put together.”

Low pressure will develop in north-central Texas and tap into a huge resource of moisture from the Gulf of Mexico. As the storm pushes into the Midwest, moisture will be captured and transported northward into the Front Range of the Rockies, Plains and Midwest where it will meet up with a huge blast of fresh arctic air mass.

“If you look at the charts, it’s frightening,” says Bastardi.   “We recommend as many people as possible drive south – head to Florida, Texas, Mexico and South America – if you can make it.”

“I’m not going to Mexico.  Drug cartels are killing people left and right,” said Dennis Loudon of Kew Gardens, Queens.  “I’d rather be killed by a gun than by a flying icicle,” said Maria Gonzalez of Detroit.

A massive wall of snow will set up from western Texas and eastern Colorado eastward across the central Plains and into the Ohio Valley. Some areas could experience a snowfall of more than 64 inches.

The snow will be accompanied by hurricane winds which could produce avalanche conditions in places that have never seen an avalanche.

“We are predicting 2-3 avalanches each in Boston, Buffalo and Detroit,” said avalanche expert, Teresa Windham of M.I.T.  “There may even be an avalanche in downtown Manhattan – and at least five in Central Park.”

The South may be sparred from the snow, but a torrential downpour with hurricane winds – accompanied by tornadoes, typhoons and tsunamis  – will hit Florida, Alabama, Louisiana and Texas very hard.

Millions of people are stockpiling food, water and condoms – which the government is encouraging.  “You may have to survive for one-to-two weeks before anybody can dig you out,” said outgoing White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs.  “We all have to stick together and help each other.”

Meanwhile, President Obama is taking the First Lady and his daughters to Hawaii for the next two weeks.  “He has to work on his golf game,” said Gibbs.

JERSEY SHORE TO GO TO THE VATICAN

VATICAN CITY -  Pope Benedict XVI announced that the cast of Jersey Shore will be his guests at the Vatican for a week.

Italians may be bracing for the arrival of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and the rest of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” cast but Pope Benedict XVI is looking forward to their arrival and has invited them to stay with him for a week.

MTV’s decision to scout locations in Italy for the reality show’s fourth season has rankled Italian-American groups who consider the show a cultural smear.

But Pope Benedict XVI stepped in and said that the Jersey Shore cast is welcome to stay with him at the Vatican and has made available a number of suites for the cast.  The Pope said that all of the cast is Catholic and he welcomes the chance to bless them on a daily basis.

The prospect of hosting the “Jersey Shore” cast—a group known for public displays of drunkenness, brawls and other forms of lewd behavior—has shocked the entire country and Catholics around the world.

“We can’t understand why The Pope would do this,” said Bishop O’Malley of Cork, Ireland.  “They hold none of the values central to Catholic teaching.”

Many inside the Vatican are worried that perhaps Pope Benedict XVI may be suffering from pre-dementia.

But the Pope dismisses all those rumors.  He met with Snooki yesterday and said that the world will see what a positive influence the Catholic church can have on wayward children.

Snooki agreed, “I’m stoked.  You should see the rooms that the Pope set us up in.   Our parties are going to be off-the-hook.  Hallelujah!”

The cast could come in for culture shock. Having grown up with wine at the dinner table, most Italians tend to drink in moderation. They also take pride in social decorum, a concept known as cutting a “bella figura,” or the “beautiful figure.”

And the Vatican will require them to go to mass twice a day.

“Good luck with that,” said The Situation.  “I pray  on my own time, in my own way.  And usually with a girl.”

Zvia Shwirtz, 25, an American student living in Rome, says she can’t wait for the show to come to the Vatican. “It’s going to be hilarious… They are not going to have an easy time here.”

The Vatican will be sending up smoke signals – blue smoke – when the Jersey Shore cast arrives.

CHIMPANZEES – THE NEW TECH SUPPORT

BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

Nowadays everything is being outsourced from customer service to technical support and the list keeps growing. Everyone has had an experience calling a customer service or technical support number and getting someone on the other end that has a thick accent and basically sounds like they are reading from a script.

Ultimately, when you hang up, distraught and dissatisfied, you often think, “Wow, a trained monkey could do that person’s job.” Well now a company in China is taking that concept almost literally. The Bei Mou Nu Corp. of Beijing is offering outsourced computer technical support by way of chimpanzees. That’s right. Chimpanzees are the ones giving the tech support.

Gan Ju Huan, founder and CEO of the Bei Mou Nu Corp. said that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of late 70s, early 80s American television classic BJ and the Bear.

“When I see Bear do so many amazing task on his own, I realize there something I can do with chimp,” said  Huan, “ One thing about show I not understand; Bear, he no bear, he chimpanzee. Americans, what they think of next. This why USA children so stupid. All USA children learn from TV. They get mix message, people calling chimp bear.”

Chimps have always been known for their high levels of intelligence and comprehension. But this is the first time that humans have been able to use chimpanzees for a customer service based job. Many computer manufactures such as Dell, Gateway, Asus, and Apple have already signed up for the ground breaking service.

The service, however, has been receiving mixed reviews from customers.

“I got one of the chimps on the phone the other day. There was a lot of screaming and hooting on the other end but surprisingly, I had my iPad back up and running in no time. Bubbles, the chimp who helped me, even gave me access to the new unreleased app, Windows,” said Timothy Sanders of Springfield, MO.

Read about the new Apple iPad app Windows here.

“I recently had a chat session with a tech support rep that I know had to be a chimp,” said Sheila Belafonte of Carson City, NV. “Not one word was spelled correctly and after 3 hours of chatting with the chimp nothing was resolved. Worst experience of my life.”

Many animal rights organizations are raising concerns regarding the well being of the chimpanzees as well.

“Chimpanzees are not supposed to sit behind desks, answer phones, and chat online. They are supposed to be in the wild, enjoying nature and flinging feces” said Virginia Wells of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), “let’s leave all this technical monkey business to the humans!”

HOW TO CONTACT THE SPACE PEOPLE

How to Contact the Space People is a must have for all E.T. enthusiasts.

How to Contact the Space People by Ted Owens is a masterfully spun account of how Mr. Owens was been able to communicate with aliens or as he prefers to call them Space Intelligences (Si) and control the weather with the assistance of his alien friends. In addition to the riveting tales of Mr. Owens’ life experiences, he also offers instruction on how you too can talk to the aliens. Now deceased, Mr. Owens was known throughout much of the world as a modern day Nostradamus for his uncanny ability to predict and control lightening, hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, volcanoes and other natural disasters by way of his communications with extraterrestrial beings. Effectively, Owens was an all around master of alien communications and Mother Nature relations.

In this book, Owens offers up methods that will allow you, the reader, to communicate with aliens as well. His main advice is to mimic his own actions which he has proven to work through several accounts validated by way of letters form a State of California Notary Public, a lawyer, his land lord, and the wife of an electronics expert.

Owens does offer up one warning though, “One thing to beware of: make sure you are willing to pay the price for contacting Si’s [sic]… Since this communication is all done through the medium of whatever it is, is going to have to be handled by the power of your own mind. They [Si] have told me I am the first human since the days of Moses to be able to withstand the reception of their mental sending power, or whatever it is. They have found other humans who were peculiarly adapted toward Si reception, through the years, but when they beamed or projected or whatever it is they do, the humans either cracked up completely or had strokes or cerebral hemorrhages that destroyed them.”

Owens suffered several severe head injuries throughout his childhood. He believed that these head injuries are what allowed him to have the mental capacity to handle the awesome power of the alien’s communication methods.

In the afterword, Owens informs the reader that, “As this book was in final editorial production I was advised by the Si’s [sic] that each copy will be coded (charged) so that whoever reads it will activate power from another dimension, placing the reader en rapport with the Si’s [sic].”

This best seller for communications majors has continued to be printed time and time again since its 1969 debut. But exercise caution if you decide to pick up this book for an afternoon read. It is a real gamble here; either you will be able to communicate with aliens and learn how to control the weather or your head will explode. Either way once you finish the last page you will never live life the same again.

KEITH OLBERMANN JOINS FOX NEWS

NEW YORK -  After leaving MSNBC tonight, Keith Olbermann signed with Fox News.

Keith Olbermann, who had  been suspended indefinitely without pay from MSNBC because he donated to three Democratic candidates this election cycle and then was rehired – quit MSNBC tonight.  He’s done at MSNBC,

“We didn’t like Keith made political contributions, but then he apologized and we hired him back and then we decided we should have fired him instead of suspending him, but tonight he quit, so we’re all happy,” MSNBC president Phil Griffin said in a statement.

As soon as Roger Ailes, the head honcho of Fox News heard that Olbermann quite, he offered Keith a spot in the nightly lineup.  Olbermann, who said the money Ailes offered was three times what MSNBC was paying him, quickly accepted the deal.

In a statement Friday, Olbermann said, “I don’t like being a popular TV host on a channel that doesn’t love me.  I went over to Fox and Roger Ailes said that he loved me and I then I went back to MSNBC and told them that if they wanted to keep me they had to tell me they loved me more, but they didn’t so I quit and went over to Roger Ailes who gave me a big bear hug.  He loves me.”

He then went on to say,  “I am thrilled to be joining the team at Fox News.   Mr. Ailes has assured me that I continue doing my program in the same format, and with the same viewpoint, that I had at MSNBC.  I will continue doing the Worst Person in The World.  And my first Worst Person on Fox News will be MSNBC president, Phil Griffin.”

Olbermann will be taking Greta Van Susteren in the 10 pm. slot.

Rachael Maddow went on the air tonight to urge Olbermann to return to MSNBC, but Olbermann said that he’d rather go to hunting with Dick Cheney then return to MSNBC.”

Fox News stars – Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck – were livid when the learned of Olbermann’s hiring.  “They have to run everything by me on this network.  Everything!”  O’Reilly said.   Ailes said he likes the conflict between his hosts, “it keeps them on their toes.”

So, there you have it… Keith Olbermann is joining Fox News, starting Monday, January 24th, 2011.

Don’t miss it!!

CHARLES MANSON WRITES A CHILDREN’S BOOK

SEATTLE , WA – Amazon has come under fire again for its decision to carry yet another controversial book.

In recent news, the internet retail powerhouse was scrutinized for its decision to carry, The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct, by Philip R. Greaves II. Now they are pushing the limits even farther with a new children’s book that has been penned by none other than one of the 20th century’s most notorious criminals, Charles Manson. Manson, now 76, has been incarcerated for the past 41 years for convincing his followers to commit murder in the famous Hinman, Tate, and LaBianca killings of the late 1960s.

The book titled, The Trials of Timmy Travis, is about a young 11 year old boy who is misunderstood by his peers and how he feels ostracized from the neighborhood kids. The story explores how Timmy copes with his loneliness and his many failed attempts to fit in. It chronicles Timmy’s life as he becomes the guru of a renegade group that develops its own ranch style community on the outskirts of his home town. Ultimately, the community flourishes and prospers bringing new hope into a downtrodden world.

Parents groups around the nation are outraged over the news and are calling for the immediate ban on the sale of the book, not only on Amazon but everywhere.

“How does a book like this even become published?” asked Susan Powell, founder of Stability, Togetherness and Family Unity (STFU), “Who in their right mind could have thought that a book like this, by such an awful man, was a good idea?”

In December of last year, Manson was found to have been making phone calls and sending text messages from prison. It has now been revealed that the communications were with Children’s Freedom Press (CFP), the British Columbia based independent publishing company that produced the controversial book. Evidently, Manson wrote the entire book through thousands of text messages sent to the publisher.

“We feel that this story will help children throughout the world to better understand how to deal with feelings of ostracization and ‘outsiderness’. We truly feel that the notoriety of the author will only aid in getting the message out faster,” explained CFP in a statement to the press, “We’re hoping that the book can help to create a dialogue between children and parents about the issues involving being different, fitting in and the bad feelings that can result from being shunned by peers.”

By now I’m sure that this book has already been pulled from the retailer’s website due to the controversy. But I cannot image that you won’t find it on the days to come throughout the listings of eBay and other internet auction sites.

3 METHODS FOR RESURRECTING THE DEAD

Follow these three easy methods to bring your loved ones back from the afterlife.

For almost everyone on earth, death can be a painful and difficult experience with which to cope. Now that we live in a world with DNA sequencing, cloning and the web, one might begin to wonder how we can use these tools to get our loved ones and influential leaders back.

Well, look no further; here are three methods to help guide you on your way to resurrect the dead.

Scientific Method – DNA and Cloning

Many scientists have been exploring the possibilities of using DNA sequencing and cloning to revive the long since departed. The main thing that one would need in order to accomplish this method is a biometric identifier. Hair is an excellent source and can be harvested from even the oldest of corpses.

After the DNA has been extracted you will need to find a lab willing to perform the cloning process. This may prove challenging as many governments have a strong opposition to human cloning. My recommendation would be to head over to China. They will pretty much do anything for the right price.

The only potential draw back to this method is that it is still unclear exactly how much the newly resurrected will think and act like its DNA donor. Many speculate that although the lab generated twin will be biologically identical, it may not have any of the memories or mental capabilities as its predecessor.

Internet Method – Artificial Intelligence

In order to accomplish this method you will need to script an algorithm specifically geared towards scouring the web for data about the deceased. It should use much of the same fundamental scripting associated with a web crawler, also known as spiders, web bots, ants, miners and dossier deerstalkers.

This script will need to gather all the available data on the deceased allowing you to create an online version of the departed. These little scavengers will visit countless web sites gathering the data and returning it to a central repository of your choosing.

Depending on how much information is available online will dramatically affect your results. However, this method will only bring back the mind of the person. But ultimately we view each other based on our thoughts and less on our appearances, right?

Religious Method -Spiritual

Many religions have varying takes on the process of resurrection. Almost all religions feel that God can raise people from the dead and that a select few earthly beings can actually perform the act.

WWN was actually able to track down one of these powerful prophets. Listen to what Melissa Fischer, professional resurrector, has to say about one of her initial experiences with resurrecting the dead.

RATS FEED ON NYC SUBWAY RIDERS

NEW YORK -  There’s a massive Rat Attack in NYC.  Subway riders are being attacked on every train!

Rats are multiplying faster than the available food sources in New York City.  There are just too many rats and too little garbage, restaurant leftovers and apartment foodstuffs to satisfy the needs of the millions of rats living in the five boroughs.

Rats typically don’t bother humans – they are focused on food.  But in the last few weeks, rats have been attacking New Yorkers at an alarming rate.

There have 3,100 new rat infestations reported in the Bronx, alone, since the beginning of this year.  And there are numerous reports of New Yorkers being bitten – chewed on by the rats.  Three people in Staten Island had their ears chewed off.

“Rats are clearly on the attack now.  It’s like they want to take over the city,” said Ronald Weckel, an assistant commissioner in the city’s department of health.  “I’m not sure there’s anything we can do to stop them.”

Mayor Bloomberg has denied the reports that rats are attacking humans in New York City.  “There is nothing out of the ordinary about the rats in New York.  We have lived with rats since the city was founded and they pose no immediate risk.”

“There’s a massive city cover-up going on,” said Professor Robert Dachille, of NYU.  He’s an expert in urban rodent behavior and a part-time exterminator.  “The attacks are only going to get worse.  I advise  all NYC residents to carry Rat Repellent on them at all times. You never know when one will jump up and try to eat your face.”

The species of rat living in New York City is the Rattus norvegicus, also known as the Norway rat or the brown rat.   Some speculate that the reason they are reproducing so rapidly is because of wasteful food habits of New Yorkers and because of budget cutbacks – 2,000 rat exterminators were laid off earlier this year.

And now the biggest problem is that rats are attacking passengers on New York subways.  Five people died last week  (though not reported by the City government) after being mauled by a pack of rats on the L Train.

Complaints are flooding into City Hall about the Rat Attacks, but still there has been no official city acknowledgment of this outbreak.

But now a video went viral yesterday.  It shows a rat attacking a passenger, but the lucky man was Rat Attack survivor.  Apparently, the rats know that they are being filmed and avoid cameras at all cost.

Experts explain S’pore’s declining birth rate

Experts believe the high cost of living is the main deterrent to couples having children. (Photo: AFP Images).

They are only getting married in June, but already the couple have decided against having any children.

Speaking to The Straits Times (ST), civil servant Jean Heng, 30, said she chooses her independence and freedom above having a baby.

She said, “Life in Singapore is very stressful. Work takes up a huge amount of time and I have no energy to take care of kids. If I want to have kids, I would want to devote enough resources in terms of time and money.”

Ms Heng and her teacher-fiance are just one of the many couples in Singapore who have decided to strike babies off their marriage checklist, citing common reasons such as financial and time constraints.

Experts ST spoke to are not surprised by the findings of the Census of Population 2010, which saw more childless married women and more one-child families. They cited the high cost of living as a main reason for couples shying away from raising children.

Associate Professor Tan Khye Chong, a statistics lecturer from Nanyang Technological University, said both husband and wife have to work to pay off the property loan. “It’s more difficult to start a family with both working and some may put off having a family until they are older.”

Professor Gavin Jones, a demographer at the Sociology department at the National University of Singapore, said the “perceived high financial and opportunity cost” deters couples.

“Once they have children, it closes off options seen as desirable; for example, free time, holidays and a career,” he said, adding that parents are also under pressure to produce “quality children” to do well in school and get ahead in life.

“There is pressure to devote a lot of effort to parenting, so it means giving them things like tuition. It’s a highly labour-intensive process to raise kids here,” he said.

Experts expect the low numbers to translate into far-reaching implications for the country, reported ST.

Singapore Management University’s Assistant Professor of Asian Studies Hoon Chang Yau said the increase in immigrants needed to make up the Republic’s workforce will “lead to a more complex society with more people from around the world settling here”.

“While it can be quite exciting, there will also be anxiety over the change in the Singapore identity,” he added. Policies would also need to be tweaked to cope with an already ageing population, which means people would have to work even longer.

The recent Census of Population 2010 found a six percentage point increase in the proportion of childless married women aged 30 to 39 and a near-3 percentage point increase in women in their late 40s.

Higher-educated women are having fewer children, compared to their less-educated counterparts, the Census found.

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WALT DISNEY’S FROZEN HEAD STOLEN

GLENDALE, CA – Seven thieves broke into the Glendale Cryogenics Labratory and stole Walt Disney’s frozen head!

Police arrived at the California based cryogenics lab after receiving a phone call from the lab’s owner, Robert Sterling.

Security camera footage confirms that seven thieves broke down the front door of the building with the intent to steal. However, the camera was immediately disabled when one of the thieves shot it with a handgun.

Police found the security guard blindfolded and tied to his chair. No one else was on hand to witness the robbery, they said.

Representatives from Glendale Cryogenics say that the “Walt Disney Vault” is a popular tourist attraction for Disney fans who want to see their lifelong hero’s frozen head.

“Every day we get dozens of visitors wanting to see Disney’s head,” said Sterling, “and we never had any problems robberies. I don’t know how this happened. It is an unspeakable tragedy.”

Sterling said that when Walt Disney’s head was not on display, it was kept inside a steel-reinforced concrete vault in the back of the lab. The vault was sealed with a time lock that prevents the doors from opening until a certain number of hours have passed.

“These robbers were clearly professionals” said police safe-cracking expert Tony Nash. “They left no evidence of tampering or lock-picking, not even a fingerprint.”

Originally, police were unsure about the thieves’ motives in stealing Walt Disney’s head. But a ransom note found at the crime scene has cleared up some of the mystery.

ransom note

“We are holding Disney’s head as collateral,” said the note, “and we will not rest until the Disney Channel terminates the smut and filth that permeates its airwaves. We will do whatever it takes to restore the Disney name to the symbol of morality and goodness it once was, even if that means bringing our leader back to life.”

Walt Disney had his head cryogenically frozen after his death of lung cancer in 1965, hoping that future generations would be able to discover a cure for his illness and revive him from cryonic suspension.

While the cure for cancer has yet to be found, authorities say that the prospect of “reanimating” Walt Disney is scientifically feasible.

“It’s likely that the thieves are trying to bring Walt Disney back to life as we speak,” said Sterling. “I don’t know what they’re planning to do with him, but I know it can’t be good.”

If you have any information on this robbery, please leave a comment below and we will notify the police.

DUDE DATING: COLLEGE VS. REAL-WORLD DATING

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: College vs. Real-World Dating

Q. Train, I just graduated college at the end of December (Yea, 4 and a half years, I party, so what?). I’m entering the “real world”, single and ready to mingle. What kind of changes can I expect in my dating life now that I’m not in college? – Carlton Banks, Beverly Hills, CA

Listen up, Carlton, the piggest – oops, I mean biggest – difference is that girls are fatter- oh my lord, I meant ‘choosier’…CHOOSIER, I don’t know where that came from. Anyway, yeah, I meant choosier. This isn’t an isolated campus anymore with only maybe a hundred viable options. Most post-collegiate are moving into large cities, where the possibilities are endless. You’re not competing against Johnny-Frat-Guy on a level playing field anymore – you’re up against guys with better jobs, better clothes, better apartments, not to mention you’re dealing with a larger age range. Girls have options now, and they got the ‘4-year-slut’ out of their system (mostly), which means you’ll have to step up your game.

The Pick-Up

While at college, buying a girl a shot of tequila was like giving her a dozen roses and a promise ring – and only the most gentlemanly of gentlemen would buy a girl Patron. Now it just means, ‘I’m a complete creep and I’m broke, so let’s make this quick, whore,’ – and, weirdly, girls don’t like this. These days, you’re going to have to talk your way in.

Girls want to know three things after college: where you live, what you do, and does your toilet have that pink ring around the bowl. If the story is ‘I’m 23, live with my parents, and I spend my days playing ping pong at the local Y until I figure things out,’ then forget it. Post-collegiate existential crises are only cute to girls when it’s in a movie. I’m not saying to lie, I’m saying just sell the sizzle a little bit; dress up the story. When she asks, ‘What do you do?’ tell her you weren’t into the whole ‘finance game’ so you took a quick jaunt to the West Indies to ‘clear your head’ and you just got back a few weeks ago, so you’re staying with your parents for the time being so you can help around the house since they are ‘blind and wheelchair-bound’; also, to kill time during the day, you’ve started a program at the local Y to teach quadriplegics how to ‘play table tennis with their mouths’ and how you think that if they can return a serve, then they can ‘paddle back any of the hardships that life has cruelly delivered them.’ All of a sudden, this girl isn’t getting picked up by a 23-year-old loser with no prospects, but a character from a romantic comedy that happens to be looking damn good right now in that American Eagle polo. After story time is over tell her – ‘Enough about me, let’s just have fun tonight.’ NOW buy her the shot of tequila.

First Dates

‘Come to my place and watch a movie’ isn’t a viable option anymore as a first date. After four years in college, girls start to know that ‘Come over and watch a movie’ means ‘Come over and I’m going to spend the whole night trying to get you to rest your head in my lap…face down.’ She doesn’t want to call home to her mom the next day and tell her the date involved ‘Ghostbusters 2 and a rash from your leather couch.’ So lets start somewhere mature: a bar for drinks. I’ve gone over the steps in the Minor Leagues of Dating. Remember some patience. Movies and giving her the old ‘Vigo the Carpathian’ will come soon enough, but this girl has to see investment of time, energy, and money.

Sex

If you live with your parents, give it time, your genitals will figure something out. Just don’t get a hotel room and tell her to hurry things up because the hourly rate goes up after 11. If you have your own place then concentrate on being a better lover – you can’t just break out the oilrig, go to town, and then tell her a Pledge will drive her home. Keep a bottle of wine in the house, loosen up a little, and have some fun with her. Sex doesn’t need to be the steamy, aggressive garbage you watch on the interweb. Have a laugh with her and tell her that her breasts look magnificent; and the next morning, give her a ride home or walk her to the cab – these are easy things that can make up for your complete lack of sexual prowess. And always remember that if you couldn’t get her off the night before, bring her to brunch the next morning – it’s a bizarre phenomenon, but after college, frittatas and mimosas give girls the climax you never will.

Here’s the deal: hooking up with a girl after college is no longer the trophy you brag about to your friends. Nobody cares anymore that you got some last night, and your life isn’t measured in notches on the belt. Everyone out in the ‘real world’ cares far more about their jobs and the garbage truck schedule, so whether you’re just looking for some strange on a Saturday night or a long term relationship, put in a little more effort and it will pay dividends. Give her a story, a decent first date, and some lifeless, teary sex – as long as you pay for brunch.

You’re Welcome,

Train.