GAGA LOSES “MOST LIKED” TITLE

Lady Gaga loses number one spot to Eminem on Facebook
Even though Eminem did not walk away with the Grammy’s Album of the Year award, again, that did not stop him from bulldozing his way to the top of the social network.
Until now, Lady Gaga was the reigning queen of Facebook as the most “liked” artist on the popular social networking site. But now queen Gaga has been dethroned and the internet has now crowned a new queen king, Eminem.
Eminem surpassed Lady Gaga’s “like” total of 28,872,000 by implementing a guerilla style internet campaign to “get his like on” garnering him a staggering 35,659,000 total “likes” in no time. Em achieved this immense margin by gaining in excess of a million “likes” a week and the trend does not seem to be stopping.
When Gaga heard the news she was enraged beyond belief.
“I cannot believe the tactics that he used to achieve this status,” exclaimed Gaga, “What he did here was unconscionable and I, for one, will not stand for it!”
Having her internet hands tied over the matter, she decided to take the matter into her literal hands. Lady Gaga has publicaly challenged Eminem to a fight. That’s right an old school 3 o’clock, parking lot style throw down.

The fight is scheduled to take place later next month in the parking lot of an abandoned GM factory in Detroit. Gaga said that she would allow the fight to be on Em’s home turf since she called him out.
“I’m gonna f**k that bitch up! She don’t know what she done got herself into!” retaliated Eminem.

Several other stars plan to attend the brawl and they are taking sides.
Team Eminem currently has a roster of Dr. Dre, Llyod Banks, Lil Wayne, and, surprisingly, Sir Elton John.
Team Gaga, to date, consists of with Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Yoko Ono, and Yanni.
“There was a lot of talk in Hollywood as to which side Elton would take. His decision was a bit of a shock to us all especially after the announcement that Lady Gaga would be the godmother of his adopted son,” said Extra’s Mario Lopez, “But my money is on Gaga, Yoko is one mean bitch and Yanni fights dirty.”
Who do you have your money on?

BJ PENN TO BECOME A POET

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – After the UFC 127 majority draw BJ Penn calls it quits to get creative.

BJ Penn, born Jay Dee Penn, considered leaving the octagon once before after a losing a second time to Frankie Edgar. But the love of the sport reeled him back in for another 9 matches. However, it seems as though that the recent tie to Jon Fitch in UFC 127 was more than Penn could handle and is calling it quits for good.

Shortly after the results from the recent UFC 127 event, Penn announced that he would be retiring to work on his life dream of being a published poet.

“I don’t want to do this anymore; I don’t know what’s wrong. If I’m going to go out there and perform like that, maybe this isn’t something worth doing,” said Penn.

Since a young boy Penn had always been interested in poetry. He explained that he found a striking similarity between the sense of calm that he felt after training in martial arts to the clarity and enlightenment that he gains after penning his poetic prose.

Penn continued by stating, “As soon as the fight was done, a million different things were running through my head. I’m kind of disappointed I gave away the third round like that. I know now that sitting down at my writing desk with a warm cup of chamomile tea will really help me to work through this.”

However, Penn should really find no shame in fighting the world’s No. 2 welterweight to a draw. But as we now know the 32-year-old has had other interests outside of his professional fighting career, like getting his first book of poetry on the shelves of bookstores throughout the world.

Although still looking for a publisher, Penn hopes to have his work available by late 2011.

SKUNK APE

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of hiding out in Everglades National Park, Skunk Ape is having a coming out party.

For the past twenty years stories have been told in South Florida about the hideous and vile smelling skunk ape who preys upon deer, fox, alligators, and sometimes even humans.

Skunk Ape has returned!

He has been described as a mix of  an ape and a skunk, Bigfoot and a dirty diaper, and Danny Devito without the farting noises. Though, without photos verifying proof or anyone sober verifying proof, for that matter, it has not been brought to the public’s attention, until today.

Skunk Ape is looking to get out of the swamp and into girl’s bikinis. He has been sighted up and down Fort Lauderdale Beach and some have claimed to even see him as far south as Miami. He has been drinking, dancing, and “getting dirty” some have claimed as they have seen him carousing the sand looking for dance partners and drinking buddies.

Kim Cloisters, from Delray Beach, came in town last weekend and noticed a huge pile of hair swaying back and forth to techno music. “At first I was a little afraid when he approached, but once you get past the smell, he is pretty similar to any other guy from Jersey that hasn’t been waxed in a while.”

In fact, the Skunk Ape seems to be the life of the party down in South Florida these days. Aside from two reports of dogs missing on the beaches, there have been no complaints about this seemingly lovable oaf. He has even gotten a few affectionate nicknames, the main two being Harry and Odie, short for odorous I expect.

Looks like Skunk Ape, from the pictures and stories swirling around Fort Lauderdale, seems to have found himself a new home.

UFO OVER JERUSALEM!

JERUSALEM – UFOs have been spotted over the Dome of the Rock – an ancient Islamic shrine!
Ever since violence has erupted in Egypt there have been numerous sightings of UFOs over Jerusalem, particularly over the Dome of the Rock – and ancient Islamic shrine.
Israeli, British and American intelligence agencies have confirmed over two thousand UFO sightings over Jerusalem in the last ten days.
“These UFOs are real.  The videos that were shot of the UFOs are the most incredible videos ever shot,”  said UK Ministry of Defense UFO investigator Nick Pope.  U.S. Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, said  “this confirms what the U.N. and our intelligence agencies have been tracking for the last several months – there is an ongoing alien invasion occurring around the globe.”

Some skeptics believe the UFOs are really aircraft belonging to the Israeli army, some believe that they are high-tech drones.  “Nonsense,” said Israeli General, Avi Meade.  “The spaceships that we have observed, and videotaped, hovering over the Dome of the Rock are the much more advanced pieces of technology than anything created by man on Earth.”

The U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials issued a statement late today.  “This is final proof that aliens exist and are attacking Earth.  We must come together and fight them.”

But why are the aliens flying over the Dome of the Rock — an ancient Islamic shrine?  Flying above the shrine is strictly  — forbidden.

Professor John Malley of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials said,  “the aliens are clearly upset with the recent developments in Egypt. They are sending a message:  resolve this conflict or we will resolve it for you.”

WWN has reported extensively about the ongoing alien invasion that has been documented to begin in early 2011 and continue until 2015 – when the whole world will be under alien control.   Governments around the world are trying to cover-up the invasion in any way they can.   But, the U.N. Panel is trying to counter act this propaganda campaign.
“The alien invasion is under way.  Jerusalem is just the beginning,” said Professor Malley.
Here are two clips of the UFOs over Jerusalem:

MAN BUILDS SNOW CASTLE

CENTRAL PARK, NY – Homeless man builds underground snow castle for winter residence.

The northeast has been ravaged by old man winter and his fury does not seem to be ending anytime soon. New York City’s Central Park has already seen an accumulation of 36 plus inches of snow since winter began. Owners of homes and apartment complexes have been cursing the snow as it continues to settle into the metro area week after week.

But one homeless man has taken this proverbial lemon and made not just lemonade but an entire lemonade factory so to speak.

Jimmy “Iceman” James, has been living on the streets of New York since the late 1970s. He has lived in various locations including the dumpster behind CBGB, the now abandoned City Hall subway station, and of course Central Park.

“The streets of the big apple have always treated me well,” recounts Iceman while standing outside of the unassuming entrance to his new digs, “Most of the places where I have deiced to rest my head have always been decent places.”

It was just after the blizzard this past December that Iceman got the idea to make a place that he could call home.

“The idea came to me when a heaping pot of day old lo mein was dumped on my head while I was sleeping in the dumpster just behind Tung Shing House. I woke up, looked outside of the dumpster, saw the monstrous amount of snow on the ground and it hit me like a snowball. But I realized I was actually hit by a snowball by some punk kids. After wiping the snow from eyes I realized that I no longer had to live in dumpsters. I could make my own home out of the snow.”

Iceman recounts that he immediately made a swift voyage back to Central Park, what he likes to refer to as his summer home, where he began making plans for his new winter abode. He knew that the structure needed to be inconspicuous or the Parks Department would surely knock it down.

To combat this problem Iceman decided to make an elaborate underground castle-like labyrinth of a home, having a great hall, bedroom, and of course a bar. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The entire underground layer encompasses a whopping 13,000 square feet.

When Iceman was asked how he could accomplish such an amazing feat he simply replied with a toothless grin, “You’d be surprised what other homeless people will do with just a little bit of convincing and lots of crack cocaine.”

GROUNDHOG DEAD

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Punxsutawney Phil was found dead this morning in an apparent suicide.

Sources report he committed suicide after the harshest winter in centuries and in advance of the monster winter storm expected this week.

He did not see his shadow at Gobbler’s Knob today, which indicates an early spring, but sources confirm Phil had doubted his accuracy for some time. Terrified that the record-breaking snowfall would continue through the end of March, Phil couldn’t face the possibility that his prediction might be wrong.

Caretakers noted in recent weeks that Phil, the only true weather forecasting groundhog, had become irritable and reclusive. He had been refusing food, consuming only water and a few acorns each day.”

He really took a turn for the worse in the last few weeks. He really doubted himself, his abilities, and the groundhog legend. We started giving him Amitriptyline, an anti-anxiety medication for dogs, at the beginning of January, hoping it would be enough to take the edge off. I’m so sorry we couldn’t do more. He had been seeing a veterinarian psychiatrist and had started to turn things around mentally. This is really just a sad day for the entire Punxsutawney family. Phil didn’t have to go out like this. He abandoned us.”

Phil had one son, Philipo. He is reportedly inconsolable, but promises to be back next February 2nd to fill in for his revered father.

Examiners have not released an official cause of death. Toxicology reports are expected to take six to eight weeks. According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.Weather experts speculate that the northern hemisphere may be stuck in a “limbo winter” for several years. Punxsutawney insiders believe Phil felt this never-ending winter and couldn’t face his future without a spring.

ESCAPE FROM EGYPT ON A MAGIC CARPET!

CAIRO, Egypt – Magic carpet rides aid in mass exodus from Cairo.

In the days following the civil uprising in Egypt, chaos has ensued in the capital of the ancient land.  Food, water and other essentials are becoming scarcer within the country’s capital, causing people to loot and kill while giving rise to a new form of travel.

Cairo international airport has been virtually bum rushed by foreigners and Egyptian nationals alike in an attempt to flee the politically unstable city.

The US has already evacuated more than 1,200 Americans from Cairo on nine charter flights as of Monday. Many European countries have issued travel advisories and have begun evacuating their citizens as well. And although many countries are doing what they can to safely transport their citizens out of the chaos, entry into the airport itself can be a challenge of its own.

“The terminals are full of panicking people. The ground staff is disappearing, and at the gate, just before entering, we all together had to collect $2,000 for a policeman at the door… He would not let us pass without paying,” said a 44-year-old traveler attempting to leave Cairo.

For those who cannot afford the $2,000 entry tariff/bribe, there is an unassuming middle-aged man stationed just outside the main entrance to the departing terminals with a semi-professional sign that reads “Aladdin Air”.

Esru Okowem, the shop owner of Aladdin Air is selling magic carpets that will transport up to three adults or two adults and two children at a time, at an altitude of about 750 feet, across the Mediterranean Sea to the island of Cyprus. The carpets range from $500 for an Arabic commanded version to as much as $1,000 for a carpet that can be commanded with French, German, or English. There is also a bargain bin version that is Latin commanded only for $250.

Many travelers strapped for cash have opted for the Latin only version. “Fuge celeberrima Cypro” is the command to activate the carpet to transport the passengers to Cyprus. Unfortunately for them, Latin is a dead language that very few people in the modern world speak and as a result, some travelers are experiencing difficulties navigating the carpets.

Many carpet riders have wound up in locations not much better than Cairo. There have been reports that bargain bin carpets have taken Americans directly into the West Bank instead of Cyprus making the new location equally as bad if not worse for the weary travelers.

Doctors, however, have successfully navigated the bargain bin rugs and lawyers have been able to give convincing arguments to the carpets explaining why their pronunciations are correct.

MONSTER SNOWSTORM

WASHINGTON -  The biggest snowstorm in the history of the U.S.  will wallop the entire country on Groundhog’s Day.  President Obama has declared a national emergency.

The National Weather Service predicts a monster winter storm will hit most of the United States this Wednesday – dropping mountains of snow, sleet and freezing rain on the Rockies, Plains, Midwest and the Northeast.  Two hundred million people will be affected.

“The United States has never seen a winter storm as strong as this.  The storm is twice as strong as Hurricane Katrina, but will affect a larger area of the country,” said Joe Bastardi the chief forecaster for AccuWeather.  “This storm will do more damage in one day than all the hurricanes of the last ten years, put together.”

Low pressure will develop in north-central Texas and tap into a huge resource of moisture from the Gulf of Mexico. As the storm pushes into the Midwest, moisture will be captured and transported northward into the Front Range of the Rockies, Plains and Midwest where it will meet up with a huge blast of fresh arctic air mass.

“If you look at the charts, it’s frightening,” says Bastardi.   “We recommend as many people as possible drive south – head to Florida, Texas, Mexico and South America – if you can make it.”

“I’m not going to Mexico.  Drug cartels are killing people left and right,” said Dennis Loudon of Kew Gardens, Queens.  “I’d rather be killed by a gun than by a flying icicle,” said Maria Gonzalez of Detroit.

A massive wall of snow will set up from western Texas and eastern Colorado eastward across the central Plains and into the Ohio Valley. Some areas could experience a snowfall of more than 64 inches.

The snow will be accompanied by hurricane winds which could produce avalanche conditions in places that have never seen an avalanche.

“We are predicting 2-3 avalanches each in Boston, Buffalo and Detroit,” said avalanche expert, Teresa Windham of M.I.T.  “There may even be an avalanche in downtown Manhattan – and at least five in Central Park.”

The South may be sparred from the snow, but a torrential downpour with hurricane winds – accompanied by tornadoes, typhoons and tsunamis  – will hit Florida, Alabama, Louisiana and Texas very hard.

Millions of people are stockpiling food, water and condoms – which the government is encouraging.  “You may have to survive for one-to-two weeks before anybody can dig you out,” said outgoing White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs.  “We all have to stick together and help each other.”

Meanwhile, President Obama is taking the First Lady and his daughters to Hawaii for the next two weeks.  “He has to work on his golf game,” said Gibbs.

JERSEY SHORE TO GO TO THE VATICAN

VATICAN CITY -  Pope Benedict XVI announced that the cast of Jersey Shore will be his guests at the Vatican for a week.

Italians may be bracing for the arrival of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and the rest of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” cast but Pope Benedict XVI is looking forward to their arrival and has invited them to stay with him for a week.

MTV’s decision to scout locations in Italy for the reality show’s fourth season has rankled Italian-American groups who consider the show a cultural smear.

But Pope Benedict XVI stepped in and said that the Jersey Shore cast is welcome to stay with him at the Vatican and has made available a number of suites for the cast.  The Pope said that all of the cast is Catholic and he welcomes the chance to bless them on a daily basis.

The prospect of hosting the “Jersey Shore” cast—a group known for public displays of drunkenness, brawls and other forms of lewd behavior—has shocked the entire country and Catholics around the world.

“We can’t understand why The Pope would do this,” said Bishop O’Malley of Cork, Ireland.  “They hold none of the values central to Catholic teaching.”

Many inside the Vatican are worried that perhaps Pope Benedict XVI may be suffering from pre-dementia.

But the Pope dismisses all those rumors.  He met with Snooki yesterday and said that the world will see what a positive influence the Catholic church can have on wayward children.

Snooki agreed, “I’m stoked.  You should see the rooms that the Pope set us up in.   Our parties are going to be off-the-hook.  Hallelujah!”

The cast could come in for culture shock. Having grown up with wine at the dinner table, most Italians tend to drink in moderation. They also take pride in social decorum, a concept known as cutting a “bella figura,” or the “beautiful figure.”

And the Vatican will require them to go to mass twice a day.

“Good luck with that,” said The Situation.  “I pray  on my own time, in my own way.  And usually with a girl.”

Zvia Shwirtz, 25, an American student living in Rome, says she can’t wait for the show to come to the Vatican. “It’s going to be hilarious… They are not going to have an easy time here.”

The Vatican will be sending up smoke signals – blue smoke – when the Jersey Shore cast arrives.

CHIMPANZEES – THE NEW TECH SUPPORT

BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

Nowadays everything is being outsourced from customer service to technical support and the list keeps growing. Everyone has had an experience calling a customer service or technical support number and getting someone on the other end that has a thick accent and basically sounds like they are reading from a script.

Ultimately, when you hang up, distraught and dissatisfied, you often think, “Wow, a trained monkey could do that person’s job.” Well now a company in China is taking that concept almost literally. The Bei Mou Nu Corp. of Beijing is offering outsourced computer technical support by way of chimpanzees. That’s right. Chimpanzees are the ones giving the tech support.

Gan Ju Huan, founder and CEO of the Bei Mou Nu Corp. said that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of late 70s, early 80s American television classic BJ and the Bear.

“When I see Bear do so many amazing task on his own, I realize there something I can do with chimp,” said  Huan, “ One thing about show I not understand; Bear, he no bear, he chimpanzee. Americans, what they think of next. This why USA children so stupid. All USA children learn from TV. They get mix message, people calling chimp bear.”

Chimps have always been known for their high levels of intelligence and comprehension. But this is the first time that humans have been able to use chimpanzees for a customer service based job. Many computer manufactures such as Dell, Gateway, Asus, and Apple have already signed up for the ground breaking service.

The service, however, has been receiving mixed reviews from customers.

“I got one of the chimps on the phone the other day. There was a lot of screaming and hooting on the other end but surprisingly, I had my iPad back up and running in no time. Bubbles, the chimp who helped me, even gave me access to the new unreleased app, Windows,” said Timothy Sanders of Springfield, MO.

Read about the new Apple iPad app Windows here.

“I recently had a chat session with a tech support rep that I know had to be a chimp,” said Sheila Belafonte of Carson City, NV. “Not one word was spelled correctly and after 3 hours of chatting with the chimp nothing was resolved. Worst experience of my life.”

Many animal rights organizations are raising concerns regarding the well being of the chimpanzees as well.

“Chimpanzees are not supposed to sit behind desks, answer phones, and chat online. They are supposed to be in the wild, enjoying nature and flinging feces” said Virginia Wells of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), “let’s leave all this technical monkey business to the humans!”

HOW TO CONTACT THE SPACE PEOPLE

How to Contact the Space People is a must have for all E.T. enthusiasts.

How to Contact the Space People by Ted Owens is a masterfully spun account of how Mr. Owens was been able to communicate with aliens or as he prefers to call them Space Intelligences (Si) and control the weather with the assistance of his alien friends. In addition to the riveting tales of Mr. Owens’ life experiences, he also offers instruction on how you too can talk to the aliens. Now deceased, Mr. Owens was known throughout much of the world as a modern day Nostradamus for his uncanny ability to predict and control lightening, hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, volcanoes and other natural disasters by way of his communications with extraterrestrial beings. Effectively, Owens was an all around master of alien communications and Mother Nature relations.

In this book, Owens offers up methods that will allow you, the reader, to communicate with aliens as well. His main advice is to mimic his own actions which he has proven to work through several accounts validated by way of letters form a State of California Notary Public, a lawyer, his land lord, and the wife of an electronics expert.

Owens does offer up one warning though, “One thing to beware of: make sure you are willing to pay the price for contacting Si’s [sic]… Since this communication is all done through the medium of whatever it is, is going to have to be handled by the power of your own mind. They [Si] have told me I am the first human since the days of Moses to be able to withstand the reception of their mental sending power, or whatever it is. They have found other humans who were peculiarly adapted toward Si reception, through the years, but when they beamed or projected or whatever it is they do, the humans either cracked up completely or had strokes or cerebral hemorrhages that destroyed them.”

Owens suffered several severe head injuries throughout his childhood. He believed that these head injuries are what allowed him to have the mental capacity to handle the awesome power of the alien’s communication methods.

In the afterword, Owens informs the reader that, “As this book was in final editorial production I was advised by the Si’s [sic] that each copy will be coded (charged) so that whoever reads it will activate power from another dimension, placing the reader en rapport with the Si’s [sic].”

This best seller for communications majors has continued to be printed time and time again since its 1969 debut. But exercise caution if you decide to pick up this book for an afternoon read. It is a real gamble here; either you will be able to communicate with aliens and learn how to control the weather or your head will explode. Either way once you finish the last page you will never live life the same again.